Play 321: Intertwining Monologues

CHARACTERS
1
2

1
Have you ever noticed—

2
I’ve realized—

1
How people never really listen?

2
That no one really hears what anyone says.

1
When other people talk—

2
They act like they do.

1
It’s just like pauses in a monologue—

2
But they don’t really.

1
Not an actual dialogue.

2
They’re just waiting—

1
Just multiple intertwined monologues.

2
To talk again.

1
Snaking around each other—

2
Waiting in anticipation for each phrase to end—

1
But never touching.

2
So it’s their turn again.

1
They may cross each other in time—

2
All there is is people waiting for their turns.

1
But that’s where the connection ends.

2
No conversations.

1
And that’s no real dialogue.

2
No connection.

1
No conversation.

2
Monologues.

1
Nothing more.

2
Just waiting.

1
Just waiting.

(Blackout.)

Play 320: If You Don’t Read This Scene, The Terrorists Have Already Won

CHARACTERS
POLITICAN
REPORTER

REPORTER
Thank you for taking time away from your busy schedule to answer a few questions.

POLITICIAN
You’re very welcome.

REPORTER
First off, I would like to address the recent allegations that you’ve been taking bribes. What do you have to say about these charges?

POLITICIAN
They are completely absurd, and it’s all only another attempt from the liberal-media-terrorists to discredit me.

REPORTER
But there are many documents that have been released that seem to provide very convincing evidence. Are these government documents fake?

POLITICIAN
Let me answer your question with a question of my own: if people are questioning the credibility of the leaders of this great nation, then haven’t the terrorists already won?

(Beat.)

REPORTER
Well, I, uh…

POLITICIAN
Think about it.

(Pause.)

REPORTER
Well, for another question. What do you say of the recent charges that you beat a mistress of yours and paid millions of dollars to settle it without bringing it to court? Are these charges fictitious as well?

POLITICIAN
No, those charges are indeed true.

REPORTER
So you don’t deny that you both had a mistress, and physically abused her?

POLITICIAN
No I do not. And I stand by my actions.

(Beat.)

REPORTER
What?

POLITICIAN
I stand by my actions.

REPORTER
You stand by having beaten your mistress?

POLITICIAN
Yes I do.

(Beat.)

REPORTER
I, I…how can you possibly justify those actions?

POLITICIAN
The price of democracy is continued vigilance.

(Beat.)

REPORTER
How does that even apply to this?

POLITICIAN
How can I say to be fighting for freedom if I do not fight for freedom at home as well as abroad?

REPORTER
How is beating your mistress fighting for freedom?

(Beat.)

POLITICIAN
She’s a terrorist.

REPORTER
What?

POLITICIAN
My “affair” with her was in fact an elaborate sting operation I undertook to foil a deadly terrorist plot.

REPORTER
Let me see if I’m getting this right…your mistress was a terrorist who you were sleeping with to gain insight into a terrorist plot, and you beat her to fight for freedom.

POLITICIAN
Yes.

(Pause.)

REPORTER
I think that’s all the questions I have for you.

POLITICIAN
Okay. Well, I’m glad to have been able to offer you with answers to some of the questions that have surely been on many people’s minds.

REPORTER
Yeah…thank you for that.

POLITICIAN
I’m glad to have been able to help clarify some of the accusations that have been made against me.

REPORTER
Well, you certainly did…clarify…all of them. Well, that’s all the time we have, so thanks again for coming on to talk to us.

POLITICIAN
You’re welcome.

(Blackout.)

Play 319: Could I Make This Up?

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
JIM, 17

VINCENT
Everything just seems really depressing to me sometimes.

JIM
Like what?

VINCENT
So many things.

JIM
Like?

(Beat.)

VINCENT
Let me tell you two things I heard on the Daily Show tonight and you’ll understand.

JIM
Okay.

VINCENT
First. Jimmy Dean has released a product that consists of a sausage wrapped in chocolate-chip pancakes.

(Beat.)

On a stick.

(Beat.)

JIM
You’re kidding me.

VINCENT
I wish.

JIM
That’s hilarious.

VINCENT
At first I thought it was.

JIM
And now?

VINCENT
It’s extremely depressing.

JIM
I guess.

(Pause.)

JIM
What’s the other thing?

VINCENT
What other thing?

JIM
That you heard on the Daily Show?

VINCENT
Oh, that. Well, they showed this clip of Stephen Baldwin.

JIM
And?

VINCENT
And he said the following.

(Beat.)

I used to call that a coincidence. Now I call it a Jesus-idence.

JIM
Was he serious?

VINCENT
Completely.

(Jim laughs uncontrollably.)

JIM
That is one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

VINCENT
It is. Frightening too though.

JIM
For sure.

(Pause.)

VINCENT
And both of those were just in the span of a single Daily Show.

JIM
Yeah.

VINCENT
So depressing.

JIM
There is a bright side to it though.

VINCENT
What?

JIM
It’s also fucking hilarious.

(Blackout.)

Play 318: Electricity On Your Mind, Literally

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
DAN, 17

VINCENT
Know what’s weird to think of?

DAN
What?

VINCENT
That our bodies are electrical and chemical systems.

DAN
I guess that’s a little weird.

VINCENT
I mean, how different does it make our brains than a computer? Both are just series of electrical pulses.

DAN
They’re still pretty different.

VINCENT
How?

DAN
One’s organic and one isn’t.

VINCENT
So what? All that really means is our brains are made of carbon and computers aren’t.

DAN
So?

VINCENT
So why does that matter? Would it matter if you made a part of a computer with a slightly different metal? Technically it’s different, but functionally it doesn’t matter.

DAN
I guess.

VINCENT
And it’s not the brain physically or the computer physically that really matters, it’s mainly the electricity flowing in them.

DAN
I guess.

(Pause.)

VINCENT
It’s just weird to think of electricity as developing naturally.

DAN
I agree with you there.

VINCENT
Or to think that it’s inside our heads.

(Beat.)

DAN
That is really weird.

VINCENT
I know.

(Beat.)

DAN
There’s electricity shooting around inside my head.

VINCENT
Yeah.

DAN
Right now.

VINCENT
Yup.

(Beat.)

DAN
I’ve never really thought of that before.

VINCENT
I hadn’t until I saw this movie that was talking about it a bit ago.

DAN
I always knew it was true, but I never really thought of it like that.

VINCENT
Same.

(Beat.)

VINENT
Weird shit, eh?

DAN
Definitely.

(Blackout.)

Play 317: Free Will Is Overrated

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
DAMON, 17

VINCENT
I don’t get why people have such a problem with the idea of any kind of predetermination.

DAMON
Mean like Calvinism or shit?

VINCENT
Science too. The idea that everything is just physical laws playing out.
Anything that contradicts the idea of free will.

DAMON
I have a bit of a problem with that.

VINCENT
Why?

DAMON
I don’t like thinking that all my decisions have already been made for me.

VINCENT
Why?

DAMON
Then it’s all meaningless.

VINCENT
No it’s not, it’s exactly the same.

DAMON
But I’d have no choice.

VINCENT
Yes you would.

DAMON
Isn’t having no choice in anything what predetermination means?

VINCENT
No, it just means what choice you’ll make is set.

DAMON
Exactly.

VINCENT
That’s completely different from not having a choice.

DAMON
How?

VINCENT
You have a choice, just whichever one you happen to make is the one it turns out you were destined to make.

DAMON
How is that different?

VINCENT
Your choice matters just as much if it was already planned out as if it wasn’t.

DAMON
How?

VINCENT
Everything happens exactly the same as if which choice you make wasn’t already planned.

DAMON
But then nothing else could’ve happened. That was the only choice I could’ve made.

VINCENT
So what? Why does it matter if it was predetermined? The effect is exactly the same.

DAMON
I don’t know, I just don’t like it.

(Beat.)

DAMON
It’s like, why even try? Everything’s set.

VINCENT
Because if you don’t try, and waste away in an existential crisis or kill yourself, then that’s what was destined to happen.

DAMON
Then there’s nothing I can do.

VINCENT
You can just not do it.

DAMON
But it’s what’s destined to happen.

VINCENT
Only if that’s what you do. If you choose to keep on living and don’t let it bother you, then that’s what’s destined to happen.

(Beat.)

DAMON
But that’s not predetermination, that’s free will.

VINCENT
Depends on how you look at it. From our standpoint, it’s all the same thing. Just different names. In the grand scheme of things it is a bit different, but in terms of the consequences on our lives, there’s no difference at all.

(Beat.)

DAMON
I guess that’s true.

VINCENT
Yeah.

DAMON
I still don’t like it though.

VINCENT
Most people don’t.

(Blackout.)

Play 316: Next Round’s On Me

CHARACTERS
DEREK, early 20s
JACK, early 20s

(Jack is dressed as a giant bottle of Jack Daniels.)

DEREK
Oh shit.

JACK
I don’t even get a hi?

DEREK
This isn’t going to end well.

JACK
I think it’ll end pretty damn well myself.

DEREK
Of course you do.

JACK
You’re damn right.

DEREK
Just curious…by well, do you mean, me without my pants on in a public place?

JACK
You can always dream.

(Beat.)

DEREK
I just want a relaxing night.

JACK
That’s no fun.

DEREK
Neither is spewing.

JACK
That all depends on the context.

DEREK
No, it really doesn’t.

(Beat.)

JACK
So you’re gonna be a pussy.

DEREK
That’s not going to work.

JACK
What?

DEREK
Trying to insult my masculinity to convince me.

JACK
What masculinity?

DEREK
Not going to work.

JACK
Pansy.

(Beat.)

JACK
Just one drink.

DEREK
You always say that.

JACK
You know you want to.

DEREK
No, I don’t.

(Beat.)

JACK
It’s been a long week.

DEREK
It has. That’s why I need some rest.

JACK
You need a drink.

DEREK
I need some sleep.

JACK
Buzzkill.

(Pause.)

JACK
Fine, if you won’t come along, I’ll go by myself.

DEREK
Okay.

JACK
Your loss.

DEREK
Yeah, sure.

JACK
Have fun being sober by yourself.

DEREK
Just leave already.

JACK
Fine.

(He starts to exit.)

JACK
(As he leaves)
Next round’s on me!

(Blackout.)

Play 315: Touché

CHARACTERS
1
2

1
You should go to sleep.

2
I know.

1
You look terrible.

2
I feel terrible.

1
How much sleep did you get last night?

2
Not enough, let alone enough to make up for all the sleep I didn’t get every night this week.

1
I know the feeling.

(Beat.)

2
Know what’s funny?

1
What?

2
Apparently, running on how much sleep I do is equivalent to having drunken four to five beers.

1
Seriously?

2
Yeah.

(Beat.)

1
That doesn’t sound right.

2
Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

1
Who told you that?

2
This sleep expert that came to talk to my school.

1
Weird.

2
Yeah.

(Beat.)

1
Somehow I don’t really believe that statistic.

2
I don’t know, it’d explain why I’m nauseous, can’t walk in a straight line, and have banged so many fat chicks.

(Beat.)

It was a joke.

1
Oh.

(Beat.)

2
How did you not realize it was a joke?

1
I haven’t slept enough either.

2
It was pretty obvious.

1
Well, I am effectively wasted right now.

2
Touché.

(Blackout.)