Play 154: Guess What?

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
ALEX, 17

(Vincent is sitting hunched over a desk in a dark room staring at a computer screen with a tired look on his face.)

(He yawns.)

VINCENT
(Muttering to himself.)
What to write…what to write…

(He taps his hand on the desk next to the computer repeatedly.)

VINCENT
I could...

(Beat, he moves his hand over the keyboard.)

No.

(He puts his hand back on the table.)

(Beat.)

(A look of frustration comes across his face, he runs his hand through his hair.)

VINCENT
Fuck.

(He starts tapping his foot on the ground.)

(Alex enters.)

(Vincent looks up at him.)

VINCENT
Hey.

ALEX
(Excited.)
Hey, guess what?

VINCENT
What?

ALEX
It’s gonna be amazing.

VINCENT
(Unenthused.)
Really?

ALEX
Seriously, you better brace yourself.

VINCENT
(Dripping with sarcasm.)
I don’t think I can contain the fiery torrents of excitement building up inside me.

ALEX
Ready?

VINCENT
(Flatly.)
Oh, but I am.

ALEX
Okay.

(He grins.)

Guess who doesn’t have any idea of what to write?

(Beat, Vincent’s expression sours even more.)

VINCENT
(Coldly.)
Me.

ALEX
That’s exactly right!

(Beat.)

VINCENT
Fuck you.

(Alex’s expression changes from overly happy back to normal.)

ALEX
It’s not like you didn’t see it coming.

VINCENT
I couldn’t help it, it was just so clever and original.

ALEX
Fuck you.

(Pause.)

(Vincent looks down at his watch, then back up.)

VINCENT
Thank you for wasting five minutes of my time to write this.

ALEX
Any time.

(Beat.)

Well, see you later.

VINCENT
That was all you came for?

ALEX
Pretty much.

(Vincent shakes his head.)

ALEX
See you later.

VINCENT
Yeah.

(Alex exits.)

(Vincent looks back to the computer. Suddenly it appears an idea has come to him, his hands rush to the keyboard.)

VINCENT
(Smiling slightly.)
Yeah…

(He starts typing, then after a few seconds, stops.)

(Pause.)

No.

(He hits one key repeatedly.)

(Pause, he stares at the screen.)

VINCENT
(Muttering.)
Fuck.

(Lights down.)

Play 153: Just A Little Ironic

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
VIVIAN, 17

(They are sitting at a table in a café with some pastries and drinks.)

VIVIAN
So you must really like theater?

VINCENT
Why?

VIVIAN
You are writing a play every day.

(He laughs.)

VINCENT
Yeah, that would suggest it.

(Pause, he takes a sip of his drink.)

VIVIAN
So yes?

VINCENT
No.

VIVIAN
What?

VINCENT
I don’t really.

(Beat, he takes another sip.)

VIVIAN
(Confused.)
Wait, so you’re writing a play every day (beat.) and you don’t really like plays?

VINCENT
Yup.

VIVIAN
I’m confused.

VINCENT
Understandable.

(Beat.)

VIVIAN
So then, why are you doing it?

VINCENT
Well, it’s just dialogue really, I mean, I like stories which have a lot of dialogue, and I like movies and TV shows and all that, so I mean, it’s all the same thing really.

VIVIAN
But you don’t like plays?

VINCENT
Well, I like the writing, so I like reading them, I just don’t like the performance of plays, so I don’t like theater.

VIVIAN
I guess that makes sense.

VINCENT
I like to think so.

(She takes a sip of her drink.)

VIVIAN
It’s still a bit confusing though.

VINCENT
Yeah.

VIVIAN
And kind of funny.

VINCENT
Yeah, I mean, I’d like writing a play, but probably wouldn’t like seeing it put on really.

(They laugh.)

VINCENT
I guess I’m just weird.

VIVIAN
Well, we knew that already.

(He laughs.)

VINCENT
Indeed.

(He takes a bite of a pastry, she drinks down the last of her drink.)

(Lights down.)

Play 152: You Know It’s Xtreme Because It’s Misspelled!

CHARACTERS
ANNOUNCER

(There is a spotlight on the announcer, who is standing in the middle of the stage with a microphone in his hand.)

ANNOUNCER
Do any of you watch baseball and can’t help but feel just a little bored?

(Beat.)

Or, even those of you who like baseball, do you ever see it and think, gee, I wish there could be a little more action?

(Beat.)

Well, for all of you out there, we have invented a new improved version of baseball that should bring excitement and breath new life back into the sport of baseball! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Extreme Baseball!

(The words “Xtreme Basseballl” are projected in bright red lights onto the ground in front of the announcer just as he finishes saying these words.)

That’s right, Xtreme Basseballl. So Xtreme, it’s spelled with two S’s and three L’s. And only two changes to the rules were necessary to make this momentous transformation.

(Beat.)

The first change is, unlike normal baseball, Xtreme Basseballl is full contact. That’s right, full contact, no exceptions whatsoever.

(Beat.)

And, the second, and even more exciting change, if you can believe that, is…

(Beat.)

Everyone has bats! The first baseman, the shortstop, the catcher, the pitcher, everyone! Most exciting of all is tonight, we have a preview for all you lucky viewers. So, without further ado, here is the world premier of…


(There is the sound of a drum-roll in the background.)

(Yelling.)
Xtreme Basseballl!

(The spotlight fades out, along with the projected letters. Lights up on the side of the stage where several men dressed in baseball uniforms carrying bats stand around each other.)

(Beat.)

(They begin beating each other savagely with their bats, continuing for several seconds. One of them collapses on the ground and another stands above him beating him ruthlessly, and the others continue to brawl with the bats.)

(The lights on them fade out while they continue fighting, and the spotlight goes back up on the announcer where he had been standing before.)

ANNOUNCER
Isn’t it just incredible?!

(Beat.)

And that concludes our preview of Xtreme Basseballl, but tune back in on Monday night at eight o’clock to catch the very first game ever, only on XTV, your home for Xtreme Sports.

(Pause.)

(Suddenly a man with a bat jumps into the spotlight and hits the announcer in the side, knocking him over. He proceeds to beat the announcer as he’s lying on the floor.)

(Fade out on him bashing the announcer repeatedly with the bat.)

Play 151: Are you man enough?

A plain cheese pizza sits on a table.

V.O.
Are you tired of wimpy plain pizzas? Or the pathetic alternatives our competitors want you to think are the only other options?

A dozen or so pieces of pepperoni and sausage fall onto the pizza from above

V.O.
Or what they like to call meat pizzas?

A couple pieces of meatball and some other unidentifiable meat fall onto the pizza.

V.O.
Four meats?! What do they think you are, a pussy? No, you need a man’s pizza.

A gigantic stream of various types of meat pours down from above, covering the pizza in a foot high mound of meat.

V.O.
That’s right, our new Super Ultimate Man Meat Pizza has seventeen types of meat, so many kinds we don’t even know what some of them are, all piled on to fit more meat onto one pizza then you thought was physically possible. Be warned, this pizza is only for real men.

CUT TO:

A man in a sweater vest, khakis, and glasses, with a neat haircut. He is standing in a tidy kitchen in front of a table with a bowl of fruit, cereal, and milk on it.

MAN
(Looking sad and distraught.)
I saw the new commercial for the Super Ultimate Man Meat Pizza, and thought I was man enough for it….but then when I got it, I couldn’t handle it. I started eating it and went into a diabetic coma by the time I got through one quarter of it. While I was in the hospital, my wife left me! For the pizza!

CUT BACK TO:

The pizza covered in the mounds of meat

V.O.
That’s right, if you aren’t a true manly man, don’t even think of ordering this pizza or we’ll have a real man come to your house and kick. your. ass. But, if you’re a real man, there is nothing you will find as satisfying as a two cubic feet of meat precariously balanced on a thin disk of dough.

A man with giant bulging muscles dressed in a wrestling outfit rushes in, and with a roar, he picks the pizza up with both hands and buries his face into it, biting his teeth up and down and making growling noises. He lifts his head from out of the pizza.

MUSCLE MAN
(Screaming in a low booming voice.)
Yeah!

He buries his face back into the pizza and rushes off screen. Dozens of pieces of meat that fell of are scattered across the floor. Pause.

V.O.
The Super Ultimate Man Meat Pizza. Are you man enough?

FADE TO BLACK.

Play 150: The System is Down

CHARACTERS
BEN, 17
COMPUTER TECHNICIAN

(He is sitting in front of a desk in a hotel on which there is an opened laptop. He plugs a cable into it.)

(He smiles, and starts typing.)

(He suddenly pauses, and a confused expression comes over his face.)

BEN
(Muttering to himself.)
Internal System Error?

(He types for a few seconds.)

BEN
(Angrily.)
What the fuck?

(He types a bit more.)

BEN
God fucking damnit!

(He hits the desk with his fist.)

(He pulls back from the computer, and breaths out heavily, seething with annoyance.)

(He picks up a phone off the desk and hits a button.)

BEN
Hello?

(Beat.)

Well, I’m heaving problems with the internet.

(Beat.)

It says Internal Server Error.

(Beat.)

Okay, thanks.

(He gets up, and starts pacing around the room anxiously.)

(Pause.)

(There is a knock at the door.)

(Ben rushes to it and opens it.)

COMPUTER TECHNICIAN
Hi.

BEN
Hey.

COMPUTER TECHNICIAN
How are you doing?

BEN
(Hurriedly.)
I’m fine, how about you?

COMPUTER TECHNCIAN
I’m good.

(He enters, Ben closes the door.)

(The computer technician walks up to the desk. He examines the computer for a few seconds.)

BEN
So what’s wrong?

COMPUTER TECHNICIAN
Well, I’m pretty sure the server is down temporarily, this is the third case I’ve seen in the last bit.

(Ben’s expression sinks.)

BEN
Oh.

(Beat.)

Do you know when it will be back up?

COMPUTER TECHNICIAN
I can’t say for sure.

BEN
(Dispirited.)
Okay.

(Beat.)

Thanks.

(The computer technician leaves.)

(Ben closes his computer, and collapses onto his bed.)

BEN
(Muttering.)
God fucking damnit.

(Lights down.)

(Pause.)

(The lights come back on, Ben is sitting in front of a desk with the same laptop on it in a hotel room, but various aspects of the room are different—it is apparent it is in fact a different hotel room.)

(He types on his computer for a few seconds.)

(His expression is suddenly filled with anger.)

BEN
You’ve got to be kidding me…

(He hits a few keys.)

(Yelling angrily.)
Fuck!

(He types frantically for a few seconds.)

What the fuck is wrong with this?!

(He hits both fists on the desk.)

(Suddenly he looks down.)

BEN
Wait…

(He leans under the desk, noticing the other end of the cord that is plugged into his computer is hanging. He plugs it into the wall.)

(He types on his computer for a few seconds.)

(An ecstatic look comes over his face.)

BEN
(Enthusiastically.)
Yes!

(He types more, then sighs.)

(Muttering.)
Thank fucking god.

(He goes back to typing.)

(Blackout.)

Play 149: Hungry

CHARACTERS
BEN, 17

(He is sitting on the bed of a hotel room the hotel services book on his lap and a phone in his hand. He dials something, and puts the phone to his ear.)

(Pause.)

BEN
Hello?

(Beat.)

Hi, I’d like to order a bowl of chicken noodle soup, a hamburger, and a coke.

(Beat.)

Oh, and the hamburger comes with fries, right?

(Beat.)

Cool.

(Beat.)

Room 512.

(Beat.)

Okay, great, thanks.

(He hangs up the phone, puts down the book, and lies down on the bed.)

(Pause.)

(He picks up the remote to the TV and turns it on.)

(The phone rings. He picks it up.)

BEN
Hello?

(Beat.)

(A disappointed look comes over his face.)

Oh. What do you have instead?

(Beat.)

Potato chips?

(Beat.)

Wait, you don’t have any soup either?

(Beat.)

Yeah, one second.

(He picks up the hotel services book again and browses over it for a few seconds.)

BEN
Umm, I’ll have a chocolate torte.

(Beat.)

Okay, thanks.

(He hangs the phone up and puts down the book.)

BEN
(Muttering to himself.)
Goddamn it.

(He lies back down on the bed, picks up the remote, and starts scanning through channels.)

(Pause.)

(The phone rings.)

BEN
Hello?

(Beat.)

(Coldly.)

You don’t.

(Beat.)

Umm, okay.

(Beat.)

No, I don’t want anything else.

(Beat.)

You still have the hamburger though, right?

(Beat.)

Okay, good.

(Beat.)

Yeah (beat) thanks.

(He hangs up the phone.)

BEN
(Muttering to himself.)
I hate my life.

(He collapses back down onto the bed.)

(He sits up to look at his watch.)

(He groans, and falls back down.)

(Blackout.)

Play 148: The League of Randomness (of Justice)

CHARACTERS
HEAD SUPERHERO
SUPERHERO 1
SUPERHERO 2
SUPERHERO 3
SUPERHERO 4
SUPERHERO 5

(Various superheroes are seated around a gigantic round table in a massive room with a high dome shaped ceiling. The head superhero has a couple feet of space around him, everyone else has someone sitting directly next to them. Behind them is a large monitor, but it is currently not on.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Hello everyone, it has been a long time since last we met. First, we should go over what we have accomplished since the last meeting of the League of Justice. How about you first, Piss-Your-Pants Man?

(He gestures towards one of the superheroes.)

SUPERHERO 1
Well, yesterday I did help a citizen in grave danger.

HEAD SUPERHERO
Really? What did you do?

SUPERHERO 1
Well, I was walking back to the Lair of Self Moistening around midnight a few nights ago, when I heard cries of distress coming from a dark alleyway. I proceeded into this alleyway and found that a woman was being held at gun point by a masked man with a gun.

HEAD SUPERHERO
And what did you do?

SUPERHERO 1
Well, of course I could not just stand back and watch this unfold, so I did what any man in my situation would have done.

HEAD SUPERHERO
Which is?

SUPERHERO 1
I deftly let forth a devastating ray (beat.) of urine into my pants.

(The head superhero shakes his head.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Is that all?

(Superhero 1 laughs.)

SUPERHERO 1
Of course not.

HEAD SUPERHERO
So what did you do next?

SUPERHERO 1
I promptly started to unleash a formidable river of tears onto my waiting cheeks, and ran into the night.

HEAD SUPERHERO
(Coldly.)
So you’re telling me, you witnessed a robbery, and instead of trying to stop it, you wet your pants—

SUPERHERO 1
(Cutting him off.)
With justice.

(Beat.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
So you wet your pants (beat.) with justice (beat.) and then fled?

SUPERHERO 1
Yes, that is indeed how the events on that eve took place.

(Pause.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Did anyone actually do anything of considerable valor in the last month?

(Beat.)

(Superhero 2 raises his hand.)

(The head superhero looks at him, and a slightly irritated expression crosses his face.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Anyone besides OCD Man?

SUPERHERO 2
Hey! I have something good, I swear!

HEAD SUPERHERO
Were you in the middle of yet another bank robbery and told the robber to tap the counter four times and then proceeded to try to explain to him how dirty his gun probably was before he inevitably hit you in the head with it, knocking you unconscious and causing you to spend a night in the hospital for the third time this year?

(Superhero 2 looks down at the table, and remains silent.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Anyone?

(Pause.)

(He shakes his head.)

(Suddenly Superhero 3 enters, clad in a cape and a shirt bearing the letters “R” “A” and “M”)

(He jumps onto the table.)

SUPERHERO 3
(Yelling.)
Monkey balls!

HEAD SUPERHERO
(Sarcastically, and filled with contempt.)
Random Awkward Man, I’m so glad you could make it.

SUPERHERO 3
I’m sorry I am late, I was busy at the office. You know, those goats don’t fuck themselves.

HEAD SUPERHERO
(Screaming.)
You’re all pathetic!

(Beat, everyone is silent.)

I’ve never seen a sorrier bunch of fuck-ups in my entire life! How do you even consider yourself superheroes?

(Silence.)

You know what? Fuck this! This place hasn’t been the same since Awesome Man quit five years ago.

(He shakes his head, and throwing back his chair, stands up and exits, slamming the door behind him.)

(Pause.)

SUPERHERO 4
Sheesh, I wonder why he’s so mad.

SUPERHERO 3
(Yelling.)
I am not wearing pants!

(Pause, silence.)

(Blackout.)