Play 265: What Self-Commentary?

CHARACTERS
BEN, 17
JOE, 17

BEN
Nothing.

JOE
At all?

BEN
Nope.

JOE
That sucks.

BEN
Yeah.

JOE
So?

BEN
What?

JOE
What’ll you do?

BEN
I don’t know.

JOE
Cop-out?

BEN
Probably.

JOE
That sucks.

BEN
Yeah. It’s been a bit since the last one.

JOE
Really?

BEN
At least since one this bad.

JOE
Doing one once in a while isn’t so bad.

BEN
I guess not.

(Pause.)

JOE
So what’ll you do?

BEN
Probably write a scene about me talking to someone who doesn’t actually exist but is just there to let me say shit.

JOE
Yeah, with some simple generic name (beat.) John maybe?

BEN
And I’ll try to at least pay some attention to the rhythm and use short lines with as little punctuation as possible to try to make up for the fact that the content sucks.

JOE
Cool.

(Beat.)

BEN
And of course add in a healthy dose of self-commentary.

JOE
Of course.

(Blackout.)

Play 264: It’s Nothing Personal

CHARACTERS
1
2

1
So?

2
I don’t want to.

1
Why not?

2
I don’t know.

1
I’ll tell you if you tell me.

2
I don’t care.

1
Of course you do.

2
I don’t.

1
Everyone does.

2
I don’t.

(Beat.)

1
Come on, I don’t care who it is.

2
I do.

1
Why does it matter?

2
It doesn’t.

1
So tell me.

2
No.

1
I’ll keep bugging you until you do.

2
I really don’t care.

1
I can be very annoying.

2
I’m getting that idea.

1
I won’t tell anyone.

2
Sure.

1
I really won’t.

2
It might slip out.

1
It won’t, I promise you.

(Beat.)

2
Sorry.

1
You don’t trust me to keep a secret?

2
It’s not that.

1
Then what?

(Beat.)

2
I just don’t like telling people.

1
Why?

2
I don’t know. (beat.) I just don’t.

(Pause.)

1
Okay.

2
You’re giving up?

1
Yeah.

2
Didn’t seem like you would let up so easily.

1
(Smiling.)
Didn’t realize you were such a stubborn bastard.

(2 laughs.)

(Pause.)

2
It’s nothing personal.

1
I know.

(Beat.)

2
Sorry.

1
Don’t be.

(Blackout.)

Play 263: What Are You Doing Here?

CHARACTERS
PETER, late 20s
BRIAN, late 20s

(Peter is inside an apartment. He opens the door.)

BRIAN
Hey man. Can I come in?

PETER
Yeah, sure.

(Brian walks in. Peter closes the door behind him.)

PETER
What’s up?

BRIAN
Not mush.

(Beat.)

PETER
So.

BRIAN
What?

(Beat.)

PETER
What are you doing here?

BRIAN
Jus sayin’ hi to my bes friend.

(Beat.)

PETER
At two in the morning?

BRIAN
What’re friends for?

(Beat.)

PETER
You’re drunk.

BRIAN
I’m not drunk. Why you’s sayin’ I drunk?

(Pause.)

So I’m drunk, so what? Is two on a Saturday night, a man can’t be drunk?

(Beat.)

PETER
It’s Tuesday morning.

(Beat.)

BRIAN
You’re point?

(Pause.)

PETER
Just tell me what’s happening.

BRIAN
Nothing’s happening.

(Pause.)

You got a nice couch theres.

(Beat.)

PETER
Are you asking me if you can sleep on my couch for the night?

(Beat.)

BRIAN
You’re so smart Peter, you know that? Tha’s what I always sayin’, I say, that Peter, he’s smart.

(Beat.)

PETER
You can’t.

BRIAN
What?

PETER
You barge in here at two in the morning drunk off your ass, won’t give me any explanation, and you expect me to let you stay here?

BRIAN
What’re friends for?

PETER
Get out of here before you puke, I’m not in the mood to have to clean up.

BRIAN
I’ll be clean, I promise.

PETER
Why don’t you ask my chair what happened the last time you said that?

(Pause.)

BRIAN
Lissen Peter, I—

PETER
Call me back when you sober up.

BRIAN
We got in a fight.

(Beat.)

PETER
Sally?

BRIAN
Yeah.

(Pause.)

PETER
I’ll go get you a blanket.

BRIAN
Thanks man.

PETER
Just don’t puke on the couch or it’s off.

BRIAN
I won’t.

(Blackout.)

Play 262: Invention

CHARACTERS
1
2

1
Dude.

2
What?

1
I’ve done it.

2
Done what?

1
You know how I told you I was working on an incredible invention.

2
You’re done?

1
Yeah.

(Beat.)

2
Well?

1
What?

2
What is it?

1
It’s going to change the world.

2
What?

1
Seriously, it’s the most amazing invention of—

2
Just say it.

1
Okay.

(Beat.)

I’ve invented the Adam bomb.

(Beat.)

2
Are you serious?

1
What?

2
You didn’t invent the atom bomb.

1
No, not the atom bomb.

2
But you just said that.

1
I said the Adam bomb, not that atom bomb.

2
The Adam bomb.

1
Yeah.

(Beat.)

2
What is it?

1
It’s exactly what it sounds like.

(Beat.)

2
Which is?

1
It’s a bomb that only kills people named Adam.

2
Is that possible?

1
Yeah.

2
Because it really doesn’t sound like it is.

1
I didn’t think it was either. (beat.) I was wrong.

(Pause.)

2
How does it work?

(Beat.)

1
It’s very complicated.

(Beat.)

2
I’ll take you word for it.

(Blackout.)

Play 261: On the Nose…I-Thon (aka, What Subtext? II)

CHARACTERS
MAN
WOMAN

MAN
Hey. You’re really attractive.

WOMAN
Hey. You’re not that attractive but I’m incredibly insecure so I don’t care.

MAN
I want to have sex with you.

WOMAN
I would, but I am a neurotic emotional mess and not ready to be in any sort of relationship right now.

MAN
I don’t want a relationship either.

(Beat.)

Just sex.

WOMAN
I just had a bad break up with a boyfriend and am currently of the opinion that all men are bastards, so I can’t trust you enough to have sex with you.

MAN
I’m on the rebound too, and I know that it would be a bad idea for us to have sex too.

(Beat.)

I still want to have sex with you.

WOMAN
You’re starting to frighten me a little.

MAN
Please, I’m desperate.

WOMAN
That’s incredibly unattractive.

MAN
Please, you’re so beautiful.

WOMAN
Really? I’m insecure and fishing for compliments.

MAN
Yeah, you’re gorgeous—please sleep with me.

WOMAN
I still don’t think I’m ready to have sex with anyone.

MAN
If you get drunk maybe you will be. Want to come over for a drink?

WOMAN
I know that’s a terrible idea, but the attention you’re showing me makes me feel so good.

(Beat.)

Sure.

MAN
Awesome.

WOMAN
This isn’t going to end well.

(Blackout.)

Play 260: You Can’t Be Serious

CHARACTERS
DANIEL, late 20s
JOHN, late 20s
SUSAN, late 20s

(Daniel and Susan are lying in bed in an apartment.)

(There is a knock at the door. They look at each other.)

SUSAN
What should we do?

DANIEL
I don’t know.

(Beat.)

Go in the bathroom.

SUSAN
You can’t be serious.

DANIEL
It could work.

SUSAN
This isn’t a bad romantic comedy.

DANIEL
What else can we do?

(There is another knock.)

We don’t have time for this, just get in!

(She goes into the bathroom and closes the door behind her.)

(Daniel goes to the door and lets John in.)

DANIEL
Hey.

JOHN
How’s it going?

DANIEL
Not too bad. You?

JOHN
Same.

(Beat.)

She’s not here yet?

DANIEL
No.

JOHN
I thought she was coming before me.

DANIEL
Really?

JOHN
Yeah, I couldn’t get off work until now, but she was off a while ago.

DANIEL
Really?

JOHN
Yeah.

(Beat.)

DANIEL
She probably just had to do something and forgot about it.

(Beat.)

Maybe we should just meet her at the bar.

JOHN
I don’t mind waiting.

(Beat.)

You mind if I use the bathroom?

DANIEL
Wait!

JOHN
What?

DANIEL
I’ve been having some problems with it. The toilet keeps overflowing, so it’s probably not a good idea to use it.

JOHN
Okay.

DANIEL
They have one at the bar if you want to go.

JOHH
Don’t worry about it, it can wait.

(Pause.)

Taking a nap?

DANIEL
What?

JOHN
Your bed’s pretty messy.

DANIEL
Oh.

(Beat.)

Yeah, I was really tired.

(Beat.)

That’s why it took me a bit to get to the door.

(Beat.)

JOHN
You got anything to drink?

DANIEL
Yeah, sure. Beer?

JOHN
Yeah.

(Daniel takes a beer from the fridge and gives it to John.)

JOHN
Thanks.

DANIEL
No problem.

(Long pause.)

JOHN
Maybe we should go.

DANIEL
Yeah, you know Susan, always late.

JOHN
Yeah.

(Beat.)

I’ll give her a call and tell her to meet us at the bar.

(He reaches for his phone.)

DANIEL
One second.

JOHN
What?

DANIEL
Why waste time, we can call on the way there.

(Beat.)

JOHN
Okay.

(They exit the apartment.)

(Pause.)

(Susan exits the bathroom.)

(Her phone rings, she picks it up.)

SUSAN
Hey honey.

(Beat.)

Yeah, I’m sorry, had to run some errands.

(Pause.)

Okay, I’ll see you and Daniel there in a bit.

(Blackout.)

Play 259: Vegetarian

CHARACTERS
JEFF, early 20s
GARY, early 20s
FRED

(They stand drinking beers in an apartment.)

JEFF
You’re lucky.

GARY
I know. It’s nice, isn’t it?

JEFF
Definitely.

(Beat.)

When did you move in?

GARY
A week ago.

JEFF
You’re sharing it with another person, right?

GARY
Yeah, Fred. He’s in his room.

JEFF
He cool?

GARY
He seems alright to me.

(Fred enters.)

GARY
Hey Fred.

(Fred grunts.)

JEFF
Holy shit!

GARY
What?

JEFF
He’s a fucking zombie!

FRED
Must…eat.

(Jeff backs away from him.)

JEFF
Stay back!

GARY
Chill man, he’s cool.

JEFF
You sure?

GARY
Yeah.

JEFF
But he’s a…

GARY
You don’t have to worry. He’s a vegetarian.

JEFF
Really?

GARY
Yeah.

FRED
Heart…

JEFF
Uhh, Gary?

GARY
Yeah?

JEFF
You sure he’s a vegetarian?

GARY
Yeah.

(Fred walks over to the refrigerator in classic zombie fashion—ie, awkwardly stiffly and slowly.)

JEFF
But, he just said something about heart.

GARY
Oh yeah, he loves artichoke hearts.

JEFF
Oh.

(Fred takes out some artichoke hearts and chews on them.)

JEFF
I didn’t even realize (beat.) they (beat.) could be vegetarians.

GARY
I didn’t either.

(Beat.)

At first I was scared too, but he’s harmless.

JEFF
Okay.

(Fred puts the artichoke hearts away.)

FRED
Brains…

(Beat.)

JEFF
Gary…

GARY
You worry too much.

JEFF
But he said brains…

GARY
Yeah, vegetarian brains.

(Beat.)

JEFF
Oh, okay.

(Blackout.)