Play 84: Just Don’t

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
CRITIC

(Vincent is lying on a bed staring up at the ceiling, the critic is sitting in a chair a few feet away.)

VINCENT
You don’t have to say anything.

CRITIC
What?

VINCENT
Like “Oo, that’s original, a critic scene!” or “Wow this scene suck.”

CRITIC
I wasn’t going to.

VINCENT
Sure. (Beat.) Just don’t.

CRITIC
I won’t.

VINCENT
Good, cause I fucking know.

CRITIC
Okay.

VINCENT
And I’m in a shitty enough mood already without having to hear any more from you.

CRITIC
Then I won’t say anything.

VINCENT
Good.

(Pause.)

And it’s not like it’s easy writing this, it takes energy. And you know what, I don’t have the energy to do anything actually interesting or insightful or new or anything, okay?

CRITIC
Yeah, I wasn’t saying anything—

VINCENT
Keep it that way.

CRITIC
Okay.

VINCENT
Cause you know, if you try to give me any shit (beat.) well I really feel like punching someone right now, and it might as well be you.

CRITIC
I’m not going to say anything.

VINCENT
Not even that I stole that last line from Six Feet Under?

CRITIC
No.

VINCENT
You were going to say it if I hadn’t.

CRITIC
No, I wasn’t.

VINCENT
Whatever.

(Pause.)

CRITIC
You know, you’re kind of taking my job.

VINCENT
What?

CRITIC
I’m the critic, not you.

VINCENT
What did I say about criticizing me?

CRITIC
That hardly qualifies.

VINCENT
Yeah, well just shut the fuck up.

CRITIC
I’m not saying—

VINCENT
Shut.

The.

Fuck.

Up.

(Critic sits in silence.)

(Pause.)

CRITIC
Shitty mood?

(Vincent turns his head to him and gives him a cold look.)

VINCENT
Are you serious?

CRITIC
I’ll shut up.

(Blackout.)

Play 83: Months

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
BRAD, 17

(They are sitting around a table late at night. Vincent’s head is resting on his crossed arms on the table, he looks exhausted. Brad is sitting across from him.)

BRAD
You look like shit.

VINCENT
I know. The bags under my eyes are so big I could hide a car in them.

BRAD
No kidding.

VINCENT
My eyes sting. Normally even when your tired they only sting for a bit after you wake up. I’ve been up sixteen hours.

BRAD
That can’t be good.

VINCENT
No.

(Beat.)

BRAD
Go to sleep.

VINCENT
Yeah, I will soon.

BRAD
You should now.

VINCENT
I know.

(Beat.)

It’s okay though, tomorrow I can finally sleep in.

BRAD
That’s good, you need it.

VINCENT
Yeah. And I can sleep in Sunday too.

BRAD
Nice.

VINCENT
Yeah, I haven’t slept enough two days in a row in

(Beat.)

Shit, months.

BRAD
Seriously?

VINCENT
Yeah.

BRAD
Fuck.

VINCENT
I know.

(Beat.)

BRAD
That’s really bad.

VINCENT
Trust me, I know.

(Beat.)

BRAD
Have you ever considered that maybe you just have felt like shit in general lately cause you’re not getting enough sleep ever?

VINCENT
Yeah.

BRAD
Then why don’t you sleep more?

VINCENT
I’m not sure what’s the cause and what’s the effect.

BRAD
What?

VINCENT
Am I miserable because I’m not sleeping enough or am I not sleeping enough because I’m miserable?

BRAD
Who knows, but either way not sleeping enough just makes it work.

VINCENT
Yeah, I know.

(Pause, his eyes start to close more and more with each second.)

BRAD
You should go to sleep.

VINCENT
Just a few more minutes.

(His eyes close.)

(Pause.)

BRAD
Vincent?

(Pause.)

(He smiles.)

BRAD
Good, he’s finally tired enough he can’t even stay up when he wants to.

(He exits.)

(Vincent remains sleeping sitting up leaned over on the table.)

(Fade out.)

Play 82: The Weekend

CHARACTERS
MAN
W

(Lights up. The stage is nearly empty, but on the right side on the wall there is a large sign that says “The Weekend.” On the ground in intervals of a few feet the days of the week are written in giant letters.)

(The man enters from the left side of the stage.)

(He starts walking across the stage.)

(As he gets to the “Monday” on the ground, and arrow suddenly flies in from offstage, whizzes by his head and embeds itself into the wall behind him.)

(He jerks his head towards where it came from and stays perfectly still for a few seconds. He then proceeds with caution.)

(He reaches the “Tuesday” written on the ground.)

(He pauses remaining perfectly still and looking around.)

(Nothing happens for a few seconds, and he starts to walk on again. Immediately as he starts to move, a textbook falls from above him and hits him on the head.)

(He falls over, and gets up, rubbing his head from where the book hit.)

(He kicks the book, and resumes his walking.)

(As he approaches the “Wednesday” he starts walking slower and more cautiously.)

(As soon as he puts his foot onto the word, a trapdoor opens and he falls through.)

(Pause.)

(His hands appear at the rim of the trapdoor, and he pulls himself back up.)

(He starts walking again, looking visibly nervous and physically exhausted from having lifted himself out of the pit.)

(He pauses for a few seconds before stepping on the “Thursday” then finally does so with visible reluctance.)

(He stands waiting on the word for a couple of seconds.)

(Suddenly a man dressed in a Mexican-wrestler costume runs in from offstage and dive tackles him.)

(They engage in a violent struggle, they roll over and over trying to pin the other down.)

(After a dozen or so seconds, the man manages to pin the wrestler down for a few seconds. He gets up, and the wrestler walks offstage in shame.)

(He pauses, exhausted and worn out, looking forward at the “Friday” on the ground a few feet in front of him.)

(He takes a few steps towards it.)

(He pauses a step away from it, and starts to lift his foot to put it down.)

(He pulls it back.)

(He looks up to the sign on the wall that reads “The Weekend” and starts to lift his foot again.)

(Pause.)

MAN
Fuck it.

(He retracts his foot, and walks back to the way he came from.)

(As he reaches the “Wednesday” he again falls into the pit, followed by a loud thud.)

(Blackout.)

Play 81: The Table

CHARACTERS
LUKE, 17
AUSTIN, 18
GRANT, 17

(Austin is sitting at a table in a school cafeteria, Luke sits down next to him.)

LUKE
Well what do you think SHE said?

AUSTIN
What?

LUKE
What she said.

AUSTIN
Who?

LUKE
Come on, weren’t you listening to what I was saying?

AUSTIN
What the hell are you talking about?

LUKE
You weren’t listening to a word were you?

AUSTIN
You weren’t talking.

LUKE
So you’re trying to blame this on me then?

AUSTIN
What the hell is wrong with you?

LUKE
Me? What’s wrong with me? You’re the one who aren’t even paying attention when I’m talking to you!

AUSTIN
But you weren’t!

LUKE
Just because you didn’t hear me didn’t mean I wasn’t talking.

AUSTIN
Okay, look man, I’m sorry I missed whatever it was that you said.

LUKE
(Sarcastically.)
Gee, I feel so much better now.

AUSTIN
Look, I’m listening now.

LUKE
It’s too late.

AUSTIN
Come on.

LUKE
I’m not saying it again.

(They sit in silence awkwardly for a few seconds.)

AUSTIN
Look, I’m going to go, I’ll see you later.

(Luke doesn’t respond.)

(Austin exits with a thoroughly confused look on his face.)

(Beat.)

(Grant enters.)

LUKE
Hey.

GRANT
Hey.

LUKE
I got the table.

GRANT
Nice.

(Blackout.)

Play 80: Time For a Commercial Break

CHARACTERS
REPORTER, male
CORRESPONDENT, female


(The reporter is sitting behind a desk at on a new show set, there is a spotlight on him and the rest of the set is dark. He is staring intently at the audience and there is a sheet of paper resting on the desk in front of him.)

REPORTER
Breaking news: it appears we have not been covering the news.

(Beat.)

For more on this startling discovery, we’ll go to the field with our generic female correspondent.

(Suddenly the spotlight sweeps to the side of the stage where the correspondent is standing holding a microphone.)

CORRESPONDENT
Thank you Generic Reporter. I’m here live at Disneyland, and yes, shockingly, it appears we, the media, have not been covering the news. Apparently, over the past week we have reported solely content from a fictitious news site. We were not aware of this, and would like to apologize for the reports we have given based on this false information, including the fact that Fidel Castro died, and then came back to life to rule his nation as an evil empire of doom, and also the story that Guinea Bissau was not in fact a country but rather a creation of the liberal Jews. We apologize profusely for these statements, and would like to state that Fidel Castro is in fact still alive, and not an undead beast from hell that breaths fire, and Guinea Bissau is in fact a country, though we still have our doubts about Burkina Faso. That’s all I have for now, but I will be back with new developments in this stunning case.

(Beat.)

Generic Female Correspondent, ZRQ News, Disneyland.

(the spotlight pans back over to the reporter.)

REPORTER
Thank you for that report.

(Shaking his head.)

Shocking, just shocking.

(Beat.)

Next, we would like to report a stunning story of tragedy, comedy, love, and yes, hope. That’s right, it turns out the lich-king Fidel Castro has taken the country of Jomamaland under control in a feat of unprecedented military—

(A paper is thrown onto the desk in front of him, he stops in mid-sentence to look at the sheet.)

REPORTER
Oh, I’m sorry, I am being informed that this story as well has been found to be based on faulty information.

(Beat.)

Well, back to the real news. Our next story…

(He starts looking around the desk, and then frantically searching through the papers on it.)

(Pause.)

(He starts sweating and looking panicked.)

Oh, here we go!

(He pulls out one sheet.)

It appears the government has uhh,

(Beat.)

(He appears to be frantically skimming over the sheet.)

They have been umm, trying to push for legislation…

(He drops the piece of paper, it flips over on the desk and it becomes apparent the sheet is blank.)

(The reporter looks extremely nervous, he is sweating profusely.)

And it looks like it’s time for a commercial break!

(Blackout.)

Play 79: “Milk”

CHARACTERS
GEOFF, late 20s
CLERK, mid 20s

(The clerk is standing behind the counter at a convenient store at a gas station. Above him hangs, among other signs advertising various products, a sign that says: “Milk” $1.99.)

(Geoff enters.)

(He looks up at the sign.)

CLERK
Can I help you?

GEOFF
I’m a little confused, do you sell actual milk?

CLERK
(confused.)
Umm (beat.) yes, we do.

GEOFF
Really?

CLERK
Yes.

GEOFF
So it’s really milk?

CLERK
(Confused and a little annoyed.)
Yes.

GEOFF
So it’s not like actually, well, I don’t know, but something else?

CLERK
(Annoyed.)
No.

GEOFF
Then what’s with the sign?

CLERK
What?

GEOFF
The one above your head.

(The clerk looks up at it.)

GEOFF
Well do you see it?

CLERK
What? Looks normal to me.

GEOFF
It does?

CLERK
Yes.

(Beat.)

GEOFF
There are quotation marks around the word milk.

(Beat.)

CLERK
So?

GEOFF
Well why are they there?

CLERK
I don’t know.

GEOFF
So they’re not there to imply that the “milk”

(He makes the quotation mark gesture.)

is in fact not milk, but something else that you are claiming to be milk?

CLERK
For the last time no.

GEOFF
Then why are there quotation marks?

CLERK
(Angry.)
I don’t know!

GEOFF
There has to be a reason.

CLERK
Who knows, I didn’t write it!

GEOFF
Woah, calm down.

(Clerk looks very annoyed.)

(Beat.)

CLERK
So, do you want the milk or not?

GEOFF
Hell no! It has fucking quotation marks around it!

CLERK
I told you it’s nothing.

GEOFF
Well, is it nothing, or “nothing”?

(Makes quotation mark gesture.)

CLERK
Listen, why don’t you just leave?

GEOFF
I will.

(Beat.)

But just asking, my gas isn’t “gas” is it?

(Accompanied with quotation mark gesture.)

CLERK
(Coldly.)
No.

GEOFF
So my car won’t just break down in a few minutes?

CLERK
No.

GEOFF
Well, I guess I’ll have to take your word for it.

CLERK
Are you leaving yet?

GEOFF
Yeah.

(He starts to leave.)

(He turns back.)

GEOFF
And get that sign fixed.

(He exits.)

(The clerk stands in silence for a few seconds.)

(He picks up a half-empty bottle of milk from behind the counter. He brings it close to his eyes and inspects it for a few seconds. Suddenly a look of shock overtakes his face.)

CLERK
What the…

(Blackout.)

Play 78: It’s Too Late Now

CHARACTERS
MAN, early 20s
WOMAN, early 20s
HOSTESS, mid 20s
WAITRESS, mid 20s

(The man and woman are seated at a table in a restaurant, the hostess is standing by the table.)

HOSTESS
Here are your menus

(She hands them menus.)

And your server, Matt, will be here shortly.

MAN AND WOMAN
Thank you.

(Pause, they sit looking over the menus.)

MAN
So, what do you think you’ll have?

WOMAN
I’m not sure.

(Beat.)

You?

MAN
Me neither.

(They continue looking over the menus.)

(The waitress enters.)

WAITRESS
Hi, I’m Amy, I’ll be your server for the night. Any drinks to start?

MAN
I think I’ll have a

(Beat.)

Wait, what happened to Matt?

WAITRESS
Who?

MAN
Where’s Matt?

WAITRESS
He’s (beat.) somewhere else in the restaurant I imagine.

MAN
Oh. I was told he was going to be our server.

WAITRESS
Really? I’m sorry, there must have been a mix-up.

MAN
I see.

WOMAN
So Matt won’t be coming?

WAITRESS
No. Once again, I’m sorry for the confusion—

MAN
I don’t appreciate being lied to.

WAITRESS
I assure you, that’s not what we did—

WOMAN
Well were’nt we told Matt would be our waiter?

WAITRESS
Yes, but—

WOMAN
And are you Matt?

WAITRESS
No, but that’s not—

WOMAN
Then how were we not lied to?

WAITRESS
I apologize again for what you were told—

MAN
So I guess you think that makes it better?

WAITRESS
Look, if you want me to go get Matt I can.

MAN
No.

WAITRESS
Well, if you’re so worried about not having Matt as your server—

MAN
I already said no, it’s too late now.
WAITRESS
Well then what can I do to make this alright?

MAN
(Almost yelling.)
Alright?! You want to make it alright?

WAITRESS
I’m sorry—

MAN
You should be, because you just lost two customers.

(beat.)

(To the woman.) Let’s leave honey.

WOMAN
(To the waitress.)
Really, get your act together.

(They exit.)

(The waitress remains standing in silence with a confused look on her face for a few seconds, then goes off to another table and starts talking to the people sitting at it.)

(Fade out.)