Play 105: Private “I”

INT. Private Investigator’s Office−Night

PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, mid thirties, dark brown hair, wearing a nice shirt and pants, is sitting behind a desk, looking over papers. There is a coat rack behind him with an overcoat and a hat on it. Everything is in black and white.

There is a knock at the door.

PI
Come in.

WOMAN, early twenties, long wavy brown hair, quite pretty, walks in, closing the door behind her.

The PI looks up from his papers at her.

PI (V.O.)
As soon as she came in that door, I could tell there was something special about her.

PI
How can I help you?

WOMAN
I need to find out some information, my friend said I should come here.

PI
Well, if you need information, I’m just the man you’re looking for. Please, have a seat.

The woman walks over to the chair, and sits down.

WOMAN
Besides the information, I also have a bit of a…problem…I need fixed.

PI
What is it?

WOMAN
Well…

The woman’s mouth keeps moving as if she was talking, but the sound of her talking cuts off.

PI (V.O.)
She started talking about something, I think explaining what she wanted me to look into, but I wasn’t listening to a word she said. I was completely enchanted by her eyes, they were beautiful. I could lose myself for hours staring into those…did I say eyes? I meant tits. Yeah, I could stare at them for hours.

The sound of the woman talking comes back.

WOMAN
…and that’s about everything you need to know. Do you think you can help me?

PI
Of course, there hasn’t been a single case I haven’t cracked.

WOMAN
Thank you, you’re very kind.

PI
You’re welcome.

PI (V.O.)
It was then I noticed it: she was totally into me.

WOMAN
So…how much do I have to pay you?

PI
Well, I usually have a fee of a hundred dollars a day it takes me on the case, plus 500 hundred up front.

WOMAN
That sounds reasonable. Oh, but one thing first.

PI
Yeah?

WOMAN
Here, one second.

She reaches into her purse.

PI
Getting out the money?

She pulls a small gun out of her purse.

WOMAN
This is for my husband!

She stands up and points the gun at him.

PI (V.O.)
It was then that I started to think something might be amiss.

The woman shoots him in the chest, he falls off his chair and crumples to the ground with a scream of pain.

PI (V.O.)
Something was definitely wrong.

WOMAN
That’s what you get for ruining an honest man’s life!

She shoots him several more times, he shudders with each hit, and blood splatters on the desk and floor around him. She stands over him pointing the gun, her hands are trembling wildly. After a few seconds, she rushes out of the office.

PI (V.O.)
It was at that time I noticed the bullets lodged in my chest.

The PI rolls over onto his back.

PI (V.O.)
And then I got tired, and decided it was time for a nap.

Close up on the PI’s face, he closes his eyes and smiles very slightly.

FADE TO BLACK.

Play 104: Break

CHARACTERS
MARCELO, 17
ANTOINE, 17

(They’re by the lockers in a high school. They’re taking books and binders out of their backpacks.)

MARCELO
Dude.

ANTOINE
I know.

MARCELO
A fucking week.

ANTOINE
It’s gonna be amazing.

MARCELO
I know.

(Pause, they’ve finished taking everything out of their backpacks, and start putting some books and binders in them.)

ANTOINE
What are you gonna do?

MARCELO
Nothing much, just chill.

ANTOINE
Cool.

MARCELO
You?

ANTOINE
Pretty much the same.

MARCELO
Nice.

ANTOINE
Yeah.

MARCELO
It’s always so nice when it finally sets in that you have a week off.

ANTOINE
Yeah.

MARELO
Like, sleep, relaxing, and most importantly, no school for an entire nine days.

ANTOINE
Nine days?

MARCELO
Yeah.

ANTOINE
A week has seven days.

MARCELO
Yeah, but we have the weekend before and after. So nine.

ANTOINE
Shit, you’re right. Wow I need sleep.

MARCELO
Well it is break.

ANTOINE
Yeah. I hate it when you do that, you think you're correcting someone and you’re completely wrong.

MARCELO
Yeah, but who gives a fuck? It’s fucking break!

ANTOINE
Fuck yeah!

(Marcelo finishes loading his backpack.)

MARCELO
Anyways, I’m heading out, have a good break.

ANTOINE
Yeah, you too.

(Marcelo exits.)

(Antoine finishes putting books in his backpack.)

(Pause.)

ANTOINE
(Muttering to himself.)
Thank god.

(Blackout.)

Play 103: The Right Door

CHARACTERS
MAN
WOMAN
MAN 2

(There are two doors next to each other in the back and middle of the stage. Above one is a sign that says “The Right Door: Please Enter” and above the other is a sign that says “The Wrong Door: Do Not Enter.” The man is standing in the middle of the stage with his back to the audience.)

(He looks back and forth between the doors, he appears to be confused and distraught.)

(He starts to move as if to go towards the right door, but then immediately pulls his leg back and goes back to his original stance.)

(A woman enters.)

(She looks up at the doors, and then to the man.)

WOMAN
What are you doing?

(He turns from the doors to face her.)

MAN
Trying to figure out what to do.

(She looks at the doors, then back to him. She laughs slightly.)

WOMAN
Well isn’t it obvious?

MAN
I guess.

(Beat.)

WOMAN
I mean, they say do “right” and “wrong” over them.

MAN
I know.

WOMAN
So why don’t you go through the right door?

MAN
Well maybe it’s not the right door.

WOMAN
It says “Right Door” on the sign above it.

MAN
So? Maybe someone put it up to fool me. Maybe it’s really the wrong door.

WOMAN
Isn’t that a little paranoid?

MAN
I like to think of it as being cautious.

WOMAN
Just go through the door.

MAN
But what if the sign’s lying?

WOMAN
Well, if you’re so worried, then just go through the other door.

MAN
But it says it’s the wrong door over it!

WOMAN
Are you serious?

MAN
What?

WOMAN
Just go through the fucking right door.

MAN
Yeah, I should.

(He starts to head for it, then turns back.)

MAN
But what if…

WOMAN
(interrupting him.)
You know what, just figure it out yourself.

(She leaves.)

MAN
(Muttering.)
Goddamn it.

(He turns back to the doors.)

(He stands pensively looking back and forth between the two doors.)

(Pause.)

MAN
(Muttering.)
Fuck it.

(He exits.)

(Another man enters.)

(He looks up at the doors.)

(He pauses for a second, then heads through the “right” door.)

(Blackout.)

Play 102: What Should I Do?

CHARACTERS
GUY 1, 17
GUY 2, 17

1
So what should I do?

2
I dunno.

1
Well neither do I.

2
But you have to do something.

1
I know.

2
Because it’s making you miserable.

1
I know.

2
So do something.

1
What?

2
I already said I don’t know.

1
Well I can’t just do something if I don’t know what.

2
Why?

(Beat.)

1
I just can’t.

2
But you need to do something.

1
Once I think of something I will.

2
But you won’t think of something.

1
Yes I will.

2
If you could wouldn’t you have by now?

1
Maybe I’ll realize what I need to do soon though.

2
Maybe you won’t.

1
Then what are you saying I should do?

2
Just something?

1
Anything?

2
Yeah.

1
There.

2
What?

1
I just did something.

2
No you didn’t.

1
I said something.

2
That doesn’t count.

1
Why?

2
Because it doesn’t

1
So what can I do?

2
I dunno.

1
Me neither.

(Blackout.)

Play 101: Comfy

CHARACTERS
BEN, 17
SLEEP DEPRIVATION

(Ben is sitting at a desk in front of a computer.)

(He stares blankly at the screen.)

(Sleep deprivation enters.)

SD
Writing your scene?

(Ben looks up.)

BEN
Fuck.

SD
What?

BEN
Can you just get the hell out of here?

SD
Woah, calm down.

BEN
Well, I need to write this.

SD
So?

BEN
So you’ll never let me.

SD
Yes I will.

BEN
Sure.

(He looks back at the computer and starts typing.)

(SD sneaks up behind Ben and flicks him in the head.)

BEN
Oww, hey!

SD
What?

BEN
I thought you said you’d let me write? I can’t think when you’re fucking with my head.

SD
Fine, fine.

(Pause, Ben goes back to typing.)

SD
You know what’s awesome?

(Ben stops typing and looks up.)

BEN
(Coldly.)
Sleep?

SD
Yup.

BEN
(Sarcastically.)
Thank you for that.

(He goes back to typing.)

SD
Man, know what's comfy?

(Ben ignores him and continues typing.)

SD
A nice comfy bed.

(Pause.)

With blankets, and a pillow…

BEN
Shut the hell up.

SD
Fine.

(SD exits.)

BEN
(Mutters.)
Thank god.

(He goes back to typing.)

(SD enters quietly with a blanket.)

(He sneaks up on Ben and throws the blanket on him.)

BEN
Goddamn it!

(He throws the blanket off himself.)

Get the fuck out of here!

(SD leaves.)

(Ben yawns.)

(He looks at the screen, then rapidly types for a few seconds, and finally hits on last key with a flourish.)

BEN
Done.

(He picks up the blanket, wraps it around himself and collapses on the ground.)

(Blackout.)

Play 100: Interview II (aka, Holy Shit, It’s 100!)

CHARACTERS
BEN, 17
MAN, middle-aged

(They sit on chairs facing each other on an otherwise empty stage, a small round table resting between them with two cups on it.)

MAN
So you’ve written 100 scenes?

BEN
I know.

MAN
How does it make you feel?

BEN
Really good, and, mostly just amazed—no one’s more surprised I actually have done it for this long than me.

MAN
So you didn’t think you’d make it this long?

BEN
Not really. I thought there was a chance but I wasn’t sure at all.

MAN
So how do you feel it’s gone so far?

BEN
Well…

(He takes a sip from his cup.)

I’m pretty happy with how it’s gone.

MAN
So you like what you’ve written?

BEN
Well, sometimes, I mean, at least half if not the majority of what I’ve written are cop-outs and kind of suck, but I mean, that’s the point really, so it doesn’t bother me really.

MAN
But do you like any of what you’ve written?

BEN
Yeah, definitely, I’m pretty happy with a relatively good number of them. And I don’t hate a bunch of them, which is saying a lot coming from me.

MAN
Do you think you’ve accomplished what you want to so far?

BEN
To some degree, I feel like I’ve gotten better with not feeling as overly self conscious about my writing. I mean, when you post a play online for everyone to see every day, whether it’s great or complete shit, it makes you not think about it as much.,

MAN
Do you feel you’ve done what you’ve wanted to with you scenes?

BEN
To some degree, I’m just happy I’ve written them really.

MAN
Is there anything you look to change going on from this point?

BEN
I want to try to do less cop-outs, I’ve done too many I think.

MAN
Anything more?

BEN
I feel like I need to push myself more, challenge myself and come up with new things. ‘Cause, I might come up with some bad stuff, but I might come up with some really good scenes I might never have done otherwise, and even if I don’t it forces me to change and get better and different as a writer which is a big part of why I did this I think.

MAN
Well said.

BEN
Thanks.

MAN
And what have other people thought?

BEN
Well, who cares, this is for me, not them you know?

(Pause. Awkward silence, the man stares at Ben.)

(Suddenly Ben laughs.)

BEN
I’m just kidding.

MAN
Oh, okay, I was a little surprised.

BEN
But yeah, they seem to have liked my scenes, I mean, of course they agree the cop-outs suck in general, but I mean, of course they do, they’re cop-outs, so that doesn’t bother me. And they’ve definitely liked some of mine a lot, so that’s definitely made me feel good and encouraged me to keep it up.

MAN
How hard has it been coming up with ideas for each scene?

BEN
That’s been the hardest part. Every night before I write my scenes I’m talking with friends online and am like “What the hell am I going to write?” Ask any of them, they’ll tell you it’s true.

MAN
I’m sure.

BEN
But, it’s been interesting, and it’s a great feeling when I come up with an idea I like. Even though it’s kind of rare.

(Beat.)

MAN
Well, that’s all the time we have for now, but I want to say congratulations on your 100th scene, and good luck with the 256 left to go.

BEN
Yeah, thanks.

(Beat.)

Two hundred and fifty six…

(A look of horror comes across his face.)

Wow.

MAN
Hadn’t thought of that?

BEN
Well I had, but…

MAN
Well, good luck.

(He gets out of the chair and leaves.)

BEN
Hey, get back here!

(He pulls out a sharpened toothbrush.)

You can’t just leave after that!

(He runs offstage after the man, sharpened toothbrush in hand.)

(Blackout.)

Play 99: Tired

CHARACTERS
GUY 1
GUY 2

2
Tired.

1
What?

2
Tired.

1
Not “I’m tired”?

2
No.

1
Just tired?

2
Yes.

1
You really are tired.

2
I know.

1
That’s when you know you’re tired.

2
When?

1
When you just say “tired.”

2
Yeah.

1
Not being able to say full sentences is always a sign.

2
Yeah.

(Pause.)

1
Me too.

2
What?

1
I’m also tired.

2
Oh.

1
What did you think I meant?

2
Well the comment did come out of nowhere.

1
Really?

2
Yeah.

(Beat.)

That’s also a sign.

1
What?

2
A sign you’re tired.

1
Yeah.

2
Wow.

1
What?

2
I completely just did the same thing.

1
What thing?

2
Having absolutely no context for what I said.

1
You did.

2
We need sleep.

1
Yes we do.

(Blackout.)