Play 161: Enjoy

CHARACTERS
BEN, 17

(There is a board with a giant pad of paper—i.e., the type used for presentations and such—on it in the middle of the stage. The first page is blank.)

(Ben enters and walks up to the board. He turns the page, revealing a graph on the next sheet. The graph has axis, and numbers along them, but the actual graph is blank.)

BEN
So what we have here…

(He points to the graph.)

Is the amount of ideas I have.

(Beat.)

And this…

(He turns the page, there is a graph, on the bottom it has the days of the week, and on the left numbers ranging from 0 to 14. The graph is an almost straight line hanging just barely above 6 on average.)

Is the amount of sleep I’ve had per night.

(Beat.)

And perhaps most importantly, this…

(He turns the page, revealing yet another graph. This one has no labels, and just has a line that is steadily around the middle for the first part, then rapidly plunges and hits zero, and then continues to decline below the axis.)

Is the level of my mental stability, sanity (beat.) whatever you want to call it.

(Beat.)

You may notice that the current moment, or any for that matter, is not actually marked on the graph. I think that says it all in itself.

(He flips the pages back, until it is once again back to the original blank page.)

By now, you’re probably curious what all these graphs are trying to say, or what point I’m trying to make with all of this.

(Beat.)

Well, what I mean to say is…

(Beat.)

Enjoy the cop out.

(He picks up the giant pad of paper, and walks offstage.)

(Blackout.)

Play 160: Politics As Usual

CHARACTERS
PRESIDENT
ADVISOR 1
ADVISOR 2
SECRET SERVICE AGENT

(They are sitting around a table in a conference room, various papers are lying across the table in front of them.)

PRESIDENT
So what do you think we should do about it?

ADVISOR 1
We should say that it isn’t real, and is just more liberal propaganda.

PRESIDENT
Excellent idea.

ADVISOR 2
Wait.

PRESIDENT
What?

ADVISOR 2
Isn’t that a lie?

(Beat.)

PRESIDENT
And…?

(Beat.)

ADVISOR 2
Isn’t that wrong?

PRESIDENT
Your point?

(Beat.)

ADVISOR 2
Nevermind.

(Beat.)

PRESIDENT
So what’s the next matter of business?

ADVISOR 1
The war.

PRESIDENT
Of course.

ADVISOR
Now, I say we repeatedly say that there have been no mistakes made, and if any were, they are the military and the liberal’s fault.

PRESIDENT
You too the words out of my mouth.

ADVISOR 2
But that doesn’t even make sense!

PRESIDENT
Exactly.

ADVISOR 2
(Confused.)
What?

ADVISOR 1
Let me finish me thought, I didn’t say the best part yet.

ADVISOR 2
What is it?

ADVISOR 1
Well, after we tell the media all of this (beat.) we nuke France.

ADVISOR 2
(In shock.)
What?!

PRESIDENT
You’re absolutely right.

ADVISOR 2
Are you completely insane?

(Pause.)

ADVISOR 2
You know I’m right don’t you? This is immoral, and completely psychotic!

PRESIDENT
He’s absolutely right.

ADVISOR 1
(Slightly scared.)
He is?

PRESIDENT
Yes, it is completely psychotic and immoral.

(Beat.)

I love it.

ADVISOR 2
What?!

PRESIDENT
You’re fired.

ADVISOR 2
You can’t be serious.

(The president pushes a button on an intercom device.)

PRESIDENT
Security.

ADVISOR
You don’t need to call security, I’ll leave on my own.

(He starts getting up.)

(The doors open, a secret service agent enters with a gun in his hand which is hanging to his side.)

ADVISOR 2
Listen, It’s okay, I’m just leavin—

(The security guard shoots advisor 2, who falls to the ground limply.)

PRESIDENT
Thank you.

(The SSA exits.)

(Beat.)

PRESIDENT
So where were we?

ADVISOR 1
I was telling you about my plan to blow France up.

PRESIDENT
Ah yes.

(Beat.)

Do you want a promotion?

ADVISOR
Is that even possible?

(Beat.)

PRESIDENT
I think so.

(Beat.)

Want to be Vice President?

ADVISOR
Sure.

PRESIDENT
Sweet.

(Blackout.)

Play 159: It Doesn’t Take Long

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
JOHN, 17

(They are sitting at a table, Vincent has a computer in front of him and is staring at it blankly.)

JOHN
So, how’s it coming?

VINCENT
Take a wild guess.

JOHN
So not well?

VINCENT
No, I’m so fucking tired.

JOHN
Yeah, you kinda look like shit.

VINCENT
Yeah.

(Beat.)

I also had Passover seder tonight.

JOHN
So?

VINCENT
During which I drunk eight glasses of wine.

JOHN
Oh.

VINCENT
Yeah.

(Beat.)

JOHN
So I take it a cop out is coming?

VINCENT
Hell yes.

(He starts typing on the computer.)

(Pause.)

VINCENT
Wow this sucks.

JOHN
Well, at least you have an excuse.

VINCENT
Very true.

(He keeps typing.)

(Pause.)

VINCENT
Done.

JOHN
That was fast.

VINCENT
It doesn’t take long to write a scene.

JOHN
That was ridiculous though.

VINCENT
You didn’t let me finish my thought. (Beat.) it doesn’t take long to write a scene (beat.) when it’s not a very good one.

JOHN
Touché.

VINCENT
Indeed.

(Blackout.)

Play 158: Another Piece of… (aka, Can You Guess If I'm In A Good Mood?)

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
GEOFF, 17

(Vincent is lying on a couch staring blankly at a TV, there is a closed laptop on a coffee table in front of him.)

(Geoff walks in.)

GEOFF
Hey.

VINCENT
Hey.

(Geoff looks at the shut computer in surprise.)

GEOFF
Woah, is your scene done?

VINCENT
No.

GEOFF
Oh.

VINCENT
Why did you think it is?

GEOFF
Normally you have it open and are staring at it about now.

VINCENT
Oh.

(Beat.)

GEOFF
So why aren’t you?

VINCENT
I can’t write.

GEOFF
So just do a cop out.

VINCENT
I’ll do it eventually.

GEOFF
Let’s guess, some strange partially philosophical discussion between your alter ego and some random person.

VINCENT
Probably not.

GEOFF
Why?

VINCENT
Because I’m in too shitty a mood to do that without it just ending up being me talking about how some aspect of my life sucks, and I really am not in the mood to produce another piece of melodramatic crap right now.

GEOFF
Oh.

(Pause.)

VINCENT
Sorry, that was kind of a conversation stopper.

GEOFF
No.

VINCENT
It was, it’s okay, I won’t be offended if you agree.

GEOFF
Okay.

(Beat.)

Yeah, it kind of was.

(Beat.)

I’m sorry though.

VINCENT
It’s okay.

(Pause.)

VINCENT
Want to come watch TV?

GEOFF
Sure.

(He sits down on a chair next to the couch.)

(Blackout.)

Play 157: Kindergarten Narc

INT. KINDERGARTEN CLASS-INSIDE OF SCHOOL BUILDING-DAY

A kid playing with a toy car, moving it back and forth on the floor and up a ramp made out of a couple of wooden blocks. PULL BACK to a kindergarten class during recess, the kids are all in what appears to be a play area, playing with various toys such as toy cars, building blocks, dolls, and action figures.

ZOOM IN on two boys close up, Jimmy and Alex, are sitting on the ground, building some kind of structure with the wooden blocks.

JIMMY
Wanna play something else?

He puts down the block in his hand.

ALEX
Can’t we finish making the fire station?

He puts another block on top of the structure.

JIMMY
I’m bored.

ALEX
But I want to make the fire station.

JIMMY
But we built a fire station last time, can we do something else now?

ALEX
Okay.

He puts his block down. Brief pause.

ALEX
What do you want to do?

JIMMY
I don’t know.

ALEX
Think of something.

JIMMY
Hmm…we could…

JOHN
(A deep voice from offscreen.)
Do drugs?

PULL OUT to reveal JOHN, around 30 years old, with short trimmed neat brown hair and, wearing a suit and sunglasses. Jimmy and Alex look over at him with looks of confusion.

JIMMY
What?

JOHN
Nevermind.

Pause.

ALEX
Want to go draw?

JIMMY
Yeah!

They walk over to some desks off to the side where there are pieces of paper and crayons and start drawing. John walks over to the desk and sits down, looking ridiculous in the tiny chair. He picks up a crayon and starts drawing with them.

JOHN
Say fellow kindergarten students, you don’t know someone could, find, how should I say…special…substances around here do you?

They look confused.

ALEX
What are you talking about mister?

JOHN
Well…where could I get…drugs?

JIMMY
We don’t know what you are talking about.

JOHN
Okay.

JIMMY and ALEX stop drawing for a few seconds with confused looks on their faces, then go back to drawing, seeming to have forgotten the whole thing. The teacher, a woman in her mid 60s, in a plain dress with medium length grey hair, walks over to them.

TEACHER
Those are some nice drawings Jimmy and Alex. (beat.) and John.

JOHN
Thank you teacher.

TEACHER
Umm, John, could I talk to you?

JOHN
Yes, of course you can.

TEACHER
Alone.

JOHN puts down his crayon, and follows the teacher off to a side of the room, away from all the kids. She turns away from the kids, and immediately a scowl comes across her face.

TEACHER
(Angrily.)
What do you think you’re doing?

JOHN
Why, what do you mean teacher?

TEACHER
Cut the shit, I know what you are.

JOHN
Yes, I am John, kindergarten student.

TEACHER
(Flatly.)
You’re at least thirty years old.

JOHN
I do not know what you are talking about, I just turned six.

TEACHER
Look, what the hell are you doing here? This is a kindergarten class, not high school, what buisiness do narcs have coming here?

JOHN
Narcs?

ZOOM IN on his face, he is starting to sweat. He laughs forcibly.

JOHN
I assure you, I am not narc, I am just a little boy.

TEACHER
You are the most obvious undercover narc I’ve ever seen.

JOHN
I, don’t know what you’re…I…I

He pulls the collar of his suit jacket to infront of his mouth.

JOHN
(Into his suit jacket.)
They’re on to me.

TEACHER
Will you please just leave—

JOHN
(Into coat.)
My security has been compromised, mission abort! Mission abort!

He pulls a gun out of his coat and shoots starts shooting randomly into the air and into various objects as he runs to the door, the teacher screams and dives to the grounds, the children start screaming, some crying, and they lie on the ground or hide behind objects. When he gets to the door, he fires one last shot, kicks down the door, and runs out. There is silence, the kids remain hiding shaking in fear. The teacher tentatively stands up.

TEACHER
Is everyone okay?

CHILDREN
(In scared, soft voices.)
We’re okay.

PAN AROUND the classroom, various objects have been destroyed by the gunshots, and in the chaos, many things have been knocked over, there is a shattered vase on the ground, pieces of it lie everywhere.

ZOOM IN on the structure JIMMY and ALEX had built, the pieces are now strewn about the ground. One of the blocks has a bullet hole in it, and the back has been blown wide open.

FADE TO BLACK

Play 156: First Day Back

CHARACTERS
ANNOUNCER
BEN
TEACHER 1
TEACHER 2
TEACHER 3

(The announcer stands in the front and center of an empty stage.)

ANNOUNCER
And now, we bring to you, a brief representation of the first day back at school after a break. Enjoy!

(He exits.)

(Ben enters and stands in the middle of the stage.)

(Pause, he yawns.)

(Teacher 1 enters with a gigantic stack of papers.)

BEN
Hey.

TEACHER 1
Hi.

(Beat.)

Oh, here’s your new paper assignment.)

(He hands Ben a small stack of papers.)

TEACHER 1
I expect it to be turned in by three o’clock tomorrow.

BEN
But—

(The teacher exits before he can finish his sentence.)

(Beat.)

(Teacher 2 enters with a giant stack of papers.)

BEN
Hey.

TEACHER 2
Here are a few packets of exercises to help prepare you for the test on Wednesday.

BEN
(Alarmed.)
The test?

TEACHER 2
Yes.

BEN
On Wednesday?

TEACHER 2
Yes.

(He hands Ben a fat stack of papers, then exits.)

(Ben looks down at the papers, sighs, and yawns.)

(Teacher 3 enters, also with many papers.)

TEACHER 3
Here.

(He hands Ben a stack of what appears to be around a hundred papers, placing them on top of the already substantial pile in his hands.)

BEN
What are they?

TEACHER 3
The test from before break, practice questions for the test tomorrow, homework for tomorrow, homework for Wednesday, the reflection for Friday.

BEN
(In disbelief.)
Are you serious?

TEACHER 3
(Laughing.)
No, of course not, there’s no reflection due Friday.

BEN
(Slightly disappointed but nonetheless a little less anxious looking.)
Oh, that’s good at least—

TEACHER 3
But there is a 20 page research paper.

BEN
What?!

(Teacher 3 extis.)

(Ben looks down at the giant stack of papers, which is now teetering in his hands unstably.)

BEN
(Muttering.)
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me…

(Suddenly the papers tilt precariously, he tries to steady the stack, but it falls, and the papers fall all over the ground.)

(Beat.)

(Ben walks over to the side of the stage, and begins beating his head on the wall.)

(Fade out.)

Play 155: “The Bone Collector”

CHARACTERS
BEN, 17
DMV EMPLOYEE, mid 30s

(The DMV employee is sitting behind a desk at the DMV, Ben is standing in line.)

DMV EMPLOYEE
(Without looking up from a paper.)
Next.

(Ben walks up to the desk.)

BEN
Hey.

DMV EMPLOYEE
Hello, what can I help you with?

BEN
I think there’s an error on my drivers license.

DMV EMPLOYEE
What is wrong?

BEN
I think they misspelled my name.

DMV EMPLOYEE
Okay, may I see it?

BEN
Sure.

(He takes a wallet out of his pocket and takes out his drivers license. He places it on the desk, the DMV employee inspects it.)

DMV EMPLOYEE
How did they misspell it?

BEN
Well, it says Benjamin Rosbrow.

DMV EMPLOYEE
Is there another “s” in Rosbrow?

BEN
No, that part is spelled fine.

(Beat, the DMV employee inspects the card.)

DMV EMPLOYEE
Well, they don’t appear to have misspelled Benjamin.

BEN
They didn’t.

(Beat.)

DMV EMPLOYEE
Then what is the error?

BEN
Well, it says Benjamin Rosbrow, when, it should say Benjamin “The Bone Collector” Rosbrow.

(As he says “The Bone Collector” he makes the quotation mark gesture.)

(Pause.)

DMV EMPLOYEE
Are you serious?

BEN
Completely.

DMV EMPLOYEE
I’m sorry, but we aren’t going to add “The Bone Collector” to your drivers license.

(Also using the quotation mark gesture.)

BEN
Why not?

DMV EMPLOYEE
We just don’t do things like that.

BEN
Oh, okay.

(Beat.)

How about Benjamin “The Hammer of Justice” Rosbrow?

(Using quotation mark gesture.)

DMV EMPLOYEE
No.

BEN
How about just “of Justice”?

(With quotation mark gesture.)

DMV EMPLOYEE
(Interrupting him.)
We won’t add any nicknames.

BEN
None?

DMV EMPLOYEE
None.

BEN
Are you sure you can’t?

DMV EMPLOYEE
Yes.

BEN
Can’t you make an exception?

DMV EMPLOYEE
No.

(Beat.)

BEN
Damn.

DMV EMPLOYEE
Is there anything else I can help you with?

BEN
No, you’re of no use to me.

(He puts the drivers license back in the wallet and leaves.)

(Beat.)

(The DMV employee shakes his head, and looks down to his papers.)

DMV EMPLOYEE
Next.

(Blackout.)