Play 160: Politics As Usual

CHARACTERS
PRESIDENT
ADVISOR 1
ADVISOR 2
SECRET SERVICE AGENT

(They are sitting around a table in a conference room, various papers are lying across the table in front of them.)

PRESIDENT
So what do you think we should do about it?

ADVISOR 1
We should say that it isn’t real, and is just more liberal propaganda.

PRESIDENT
Excellent idea.

ADVISOR 2
Wait.

PRESIDENT
What?

ADVISOR 2
Isn’t that a lie?

(Beat.)

PRESIDENT
And…?

(Beat.)

ADVISOR 2
Isn’t that wrong?

PRESIDENT
Your point?

(Beat.)

ADVISOR 2
Nevermind.

(Beat.)

PRESIDENT
So what’s the next matter of business?

ADVISOR 1
The war.

PRESIDENT
Of course.

ADVISOR
Now, I say we repeatedly say that there have been no mistakes made, and if any were, they are the military and the liberal’s fault.

PRESIDENT
You too the words out of my mouth.

ADVISOR 2
But that doesn’t even make sense!

PRESIDENT
Exactly.

ADVISOR 2
(Confused.)
What?

ADVISOR 1
Let me finish me thought, I didn’t say the best part yet.

ADVISOR 2
What is it?

ADVISOR 1
Well, after we tell the media all of this (beat.) we nuke France.

ADVISOR 2
(In shock.)
What?!

PRESIDENT
You’re absolutely right.

ADVISOR 2
Are you completely insane?

(Pause.)

ADVISOR 2
You know I’m right don’t you? This is immoral, and completely psychotic!

PRESIDENT
He’s absolutely right.

ADVISOR 1
(Slightly scared.)
He is?

PRESIDENT
Yes, it is completely psychotic and immoral.

(Beat.)

I love it.

ADVISOR 2
What?!

PRESIDENT
You’re fired.

ADVISOR 2
You can’t be serious.

(The president pushes a button on an intercom device.)

PRESIDENT
Security.

ADVISOR
You don’t need to call security, I’ll leave on my own.

(He starts getting up.)

(The doors open, a secret service agent enters with a gun in his hand which is hanging to his side.)

ADVISOR 2
Listen, It’s okay, I’m just leavin—

(The security guard shoots advisor 2, who falls to the ground limply.)

PRESIDENT
Thank you.

(The SSA exits.)

(Beat.)

PRESIDENT
So where were we?

ADVISOR 1
I was telling you about my plan to blow France up.

PRESIDENT
Ah yes.

(Beat.)

Do you want a promotion?

ADVISOR
Is that even possible?

(Beat.)

PRESIDENT
I think so.

(Beat.)

Want to be Vice President?

ADVISOR
Sure.

PRESIDENT
Sweet.

(Blackout.)