Play 63: Oh Yeah?

CHARACTERS
WARREN, mid 40s
JOSEPH, late 30s
STEVE, mid 40s

(They’re in a bar drinking beer, Warren and Steve are sitting next to each other and Joseph is a couple seats over from Warren.)

WARREN
And we were the baddest motherfuckers around.

JOSEPH
So you were in the 1st Airforce Batallion too?

WARREN
Fuck no, 1st Navy Battalion.

JOSEPH
Then who the hell are you calling the baddest motherfuckers?

WARREN
The people who were out at sea with no food or water for days at a time without one person’s stomach growling.

JOSEPH
That’s nothing. Try dropping bombs on enemy camps while the sky’s so full of bullets and anti-aircraft missiles you can’t even see another plane if it’s a foot away from you.

WARREN
Oh, so real tough are you? Try killing a crocodile with your bare hands!

JOSEPH
Child’s play. I got hit square on with a missile on an attack mission. I stayed in the burning plane for an entire fifteen minutes so I could fire on the enemies before ejecting!

WARREN
Oh yeah? I treaded water for three days in the Artic Ocean in mid-winter waiting for a rescue crew to come.

JOSEPH
Bullshit.

WARREN
Oh yeah?

JOSEPH
You’d be dead after three minutes!

WARREN
If you’re a fucking pussy!

JOSEPH
You know what, fuck you you crazy bastard!

(He shoves his chair aside and angrily leaves the bar.)

(Warren breaks out laughing.)

STEVE
Why the fuck you always have to pull that kind of shit?

WARREN
Gotta defend you’re honor.

STEVE
You were barely even born when the Vietnam War was hapenning!

(Warren laughs.)

WARREN
You gotta admit that shit is funny though, ii love pissing off those vets, it’s just so easy.

(Steve starts laughing.)

WARREN
What?

STEVE
You think he’s a Vietnam vet?

WARREN
Well (beat.) yeah,

STEVE
He hardly even looks 40!

WARREN
You think?

STEVE
Yup.

(beat.)

WARREN
Huh.
(beat.)
Hey bartender, two more.

(He points to two empty beer glasses.)

WARREN
(mutters.)
Sonofabitch.

(Blackout.)

Play 62: Change

CHARACTERS
ISABELLA, 26
MICHAEL, 26

(They are sitting on a couch in an apartment, their arms are around each other.)

(She suddenly pulls away from him.)

ISABELLA
What happened?

MICHAEL
(confused)
what?

ISABELLA
What happened?

MICHAEL
With what?

ISABELLA
Us.

MICHAEL
What do you mean?

ISABELLA
You have to know what I’m talking about.

MICHAEL
I don’t.

ISABELLA
Come on, can’t you feel it?

MICHAEL
What are you talking about?

ISABELLA
Just (beat.) it’s so, well, boring.

MICHAEL
(surprised and a little offended sounding.)
What?

ISABELLA
Not us, just everything.

MICHAEL
What do you mean?

ISABELLA
You know.

MICHAEL
No, I don’t.

ISABELLA
Every day we do the same thing, we go to the same job, see the same people. It’s just so boring.

MICHAEL
I guess a little.

ISABELLA
Doesn’t it bother you?

MICHAEL
Not really.

ISABELLA
Well it bothers me.
(beat.)
And just (beat.) with us I don’t really see it changing.

MICHAEL
What are you saying?

ISABELLA
I’m saying as long aswe’re together I don’t think anything will change.

(beat.)

MICHAEL
But, but don’t you love me?

ISABELLA
Yes.

MICHAEL
Then (beat.) what?

ISABELLA
I told you, everything’s so stagnant, I need a change.
(beat.)
and you do too.

MICHAEL
No I don’t.

ISABELLA
You do.

MICHAEL
Why can’t it be something else that changes?

ISABELLA
Like what?

MICHAEL
Well (beat.) we could move.

ISABELLA
What?

MICHAEL
(excited.)
Yeah! We’ll move somewhere! New York, or out in the country somewhere. Or Paris, or Madrid!

ISABELLA
We don’t speak Spanish or French.

MICHAEL
We’d learn. And we could have a different life, and you wouldn’t feel like this!

ISABELLA
(starting to look excited.)
Maybe.

MICHAEL
Our friends, family, jobs (beat.) fuck it all, let’s leave!

ISABELLA
When?

MICHAEL
Whenever you want.

(She grins.)

ISABELLA
Tomorrow?

MICHAEL
Tomorrow. I’ll get on the phone now and get airplane tickets.

ISABELLA
To where?

MICHAEL
Where do you want to go?

ISABELLA
(excited.)
I don’t know.

(She thinks, her expression suddenly darkens.)

Michael… (her voice trails off.)

MICHAEL
What?

ISABELLA
Who are we kidding?

MICHAEL
(surprised)
What?

ISABELLA
We can’t go to Paris.

MICHAEL
(a little desperate.)
Then New York?

ISABELLA
No.

MICHAEL
What?

ISABELLA
We can’t just leave.

MICHAEL
Why not?

ISABELLA
Just (beat.) we can’t.

MICHAEL
Fine, then we won’t go. But can’t something else change?

ISABELLA
I don’t think so.

MICHAEL
Please.

ISABELLA
What else could change?

MICHAEL
I don’t know,

(She stands up.)

MICHAEL
Please, I’ll think of something!

ISABELLA
(tenderly)
Michael, it’s really been great.

MICHAEL
(pleading.)
Isabella…

ISABELLA
But we both need to move on.

MICHAEL
But I don’t want to.

ISABELLA
I’m sorry. I love you.

(She leans over and kisses him on top of his head. She starts to head for the door.)

(He jumps to his feet.)

MICHAEL
Please?!

(She exits.)

MICHAEL
(Yelling after her.)
Isabella!

(He runs offstage after her.)

(Blackout.)

Play 61: A Couple of Beers

CHARACTERS
DMITRI, 25
ALEXANDRA, 24

(He’s sitting on a stool in a bar late at night. She enters looking worn out and sits a couple seats away from him.)

(Pause.)

DMITRI
Hey.

ALEXANDRA
(slightly annoyed)
Hey.

DMITRI
Can I buy you a drink? A beer maybe?

ALEXANDRA
(annoyed)
I hate beer.

DMITRI
Sorry, maybe something el—

ALEXANDRA
(almost yelling)
Why do guys always assume that everyone likes beer just because they do?!

DMITRI
No no, I—

ALEXANDRA
What? I am so curious to hear what you have to say.

DMITRI
I hate beer too.

(She gives him a cold look.)

DMITRI
Seriously, I do, look.

(He holds up his glass, while empty it’s apparent it’s some kind of mixed drink.)

ALEXANDRA
Then why did you ask me if I wanted a beer?

DMITRI
I don’t know, seems like it’s what most people have.

ALEXANDRA
You’ve been hanging around with guys too much.

(He laughs, her expression lightens up.)

DMITRI
I guess I have.

(beat.)

So what you want instead?

ALEXANDRA
How about a grasshopper.

DMITRI
(to bartender)
Two grasshoppers.

(The bartender makes the drinks and puts them on the counter.)

ALEXANDRA
Thanks.
(beat.)
Wait, you like grasshoppers?

DMITRI
Yeah, one of my favorites.

ALEXANDRA
That’s surprising.

DMITRI
Why?

ALEXANDRA
I don’t think anyone else I know has even heard of them.

DMITRI
Well, here’s to being a freak.

(He lifts his glass.)

(She laughs and clinks her glass on his.)

ALEXANDRA
Look, I’m sorry for snapping on you earlier.

DMITRI
Don’t worry about it.
(beat.)
Bad day?

ALEXANDRA
You have no idea.

DMITRI
I’m sorry. Better drink up then.

(She laughs and takes a sip.)

ALEXANDRA
So that’s why I’m here. How about you?

DMITRI
Hanging out with some friends, they left a bit ago.

ALEXANDRA
And yet you’re still here?

DMITRI
Yeah, I haven’t had the best day myself so I thought a few more drinks sounded nice.

ALEXANDRA
Yeah, they definitely do.

(He looks down at his watch.)

DMITRI
Fuck.

ALEXANDRA
What?

DMITRI
I got work tomorrow morning and I hadn’t realized how late it is.

ALEXANDRA
That’s too bad.

DMITRI
Yeah.
(beat.)
But, here’s my number.

(He writes it down on a napkin.)

maybe we can talk again sometime?

ALEXANDRA
Yeah, that sounds nice.

(she smiles.)

DMITRI
(as he’s leaving.)
Call me up and we can go out some time, maybe grab a couple of beers.

(They laugh.)

(He exits.)

(Blackout.)

Play 60: I Hate Airports (aka, The Reason I Didn’t Have Time to Write a Better Scene Than This)

CHARACTERS
MAN, 50s
WOMAN, 50s
GIRL, 20
BOY, 17
AIRPORT EMPLOYEE, early 30s

(Small one building airport in Senegal. AE is standing behind a counter and everyone else is on the other side talking to him.)

GIRL
(agitated) What do you mean?

AE
I mean you’re on the waiting list.

GIRL
But we weren’t!

AE
You are now.

MAN
We were told we were on the flight.

AE
I’m sorry, I don’t know about that, but you’re on the waiting list.

WOMAN
Will we get on?

AE
I can’t say for sure.

MAN
Look, just tell us if we will actually get on or not.

(Pause.)

AE
Probably not.

GIRL
But we were told we were on the flight!

AE
I don’t know what to say.

BOY
(to girl) Fuck, we really need to get on.

GIRL
I know.

MAN
Look, I’m sorry, but we were told we were on the flight.

AE
(whispering) Look, let me just tell you why you aren’t on the flight.

(they lean in.)

AE
The head of police was murdered so the governor and other need to go to Dakar for an emergency meeting and are bringing their families.

GIRL
You’re shitting me!

MAN
Sorry, we’re not mad at you.

AE
I understand.

(Pause.)

GIRL
But you’re serious about the murder and governor thing?

(He nods.)

(Blackout.)

Play 59: My Favorite Type of Dinner

CHARACTERS
MARY, early 50s
BILL, early 50s
ANNA, early 30s
ELI, early 30s
ILLENE, early 20s
VINCENT, 17

(They are sitting around a table eating dinner.)

BILL
Really?

MARY
Yeah, it’s stereotypical, I know, but I must say it is my favorite play of his.

ANNA
While it is not my favorite I must admit it is a truly splendid work of art.

ILLENE
I wholeheartedly concur.

ELI
I as well. My favorite part is probably Polonius’ speech.

ANNA
It is wonderful. The way he says “brevity is the soul of wit.”

BILL
Yeah, how he so concisely weaves such an intricate web of ideas into so simple and short a phrase is so magnificent and really illustrates the exact point he is trying to make.

MARY
And it’s so true, the more short of a way in which you say something truly does bring out the essence of it and makes it far better than if you package it with so many superfluous words as people today so often do.

ILLENE
I couldn’t have said it better myzself.

ELI
The same for me.

(beat.)

BILL
Don’t you agree Vincent?

(Vincent screams at the top of his lungs, everyone jerks back in surprise, Mary spills her drink and Eli drops his fork which falls with a loud clang.)

(Silence, everyone is looking in shock at Vincent.)

VINCENT
Umm, I mean (beat) yeah, sure.

(Everyone remains frozen staring at him.)

(He takes a sip from his glass.)

(Blackout.)

Play 58: I Can’t Write

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
NICOLE, 17

(He sits at a table with a notebook and a pencil, she’s sitting next to him.)

VINCENT
I can’t write.

NICOLE
That sucks.

VINCENT
Yeah, just too shitty a mood.

NICOLE
That sucks.

VINCENT
Yeah.

NICOLE
How so?

VINCENT
I don’t know really.

NICOLE
There has to be something.

VINCENT
Yeah,

NICOLE
So what?

VINCENT
A lot of things.

NICOLE
Like?

VINCENT
I’m really tired, I have to go back to school once break ends.

NICOLE
Don’t think about that yet.

VINCENT
I know. (beat.) And just being in a country where I don’t speak the language Makes me feel so stupid.

NICOLE
You’re not.

VINCENT
I know (beat.) and maybe the most annoying part is I’m not sure if I’m annoyed because of all that or because I was just losing in a stupid insignificant card game.

(she laughs.)

VINCENT
I’m not kidding.

NICOLE
I know, that’s why I’m laughing.

(he laughs.)

NICOLE
Hey, now you are too! That’s a good first step.

VINCENT
Woo.

NICOLE
Feel any better?

VINCENT
Not really.

NICOLE
Damn.

VINCENT
Yup.

(He starts writing in the notebook.)

NICOLE
Oo, got an idea?

VINCENT
Nope.

NICOLE
But you’re writing?

VINCENT
Yup.

NICOLE
Weird.

VINCENT
Yeah.

(Blackout.)

Play 57: Random Things

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
BRUCE, 17

(They are sitting on a couch, TV is on in the background.)

BRUCE
It is strange.

VINCENT
Yeah, just the sheer amount of random things that are specific to each culture.

BRUCE
Makes you wonder about the weird things in our culture we take for granted but someone else would think are bizarre.

VINCENT
Yeah, Senegal makes me think of that a lot. Just so much weird shit.

BRUCE
Like what?

VINCENT
Like you have to bargain for everything pretty much. And people just carry shit on their heads.

BRUCE
What kind of things?

VINCENT
Lots, water jugs, luggage, trays of fruit. I saw this one guy carrying like 3 gigantic sacks of something on his head.

BRUCE
That’s intense.

VINCENT
Yeah (beat) and the greetings in Senegal are crazy.

BRUCE
How so?

VINCENT
There’s just so many, like every time you greet someone you go through all these greetings that all have a specific response and with everyone you do at least two or three.

BRUCE
Weird.

VINCENT
Yeah, it’s interesting. And there’s just so much more social interaction.

BRUCE
That’s pretty cool.

VINCENT
Yeah. There’s some less cool stuff too though.

BRUCE
Yeah?

VINCENT
Like no one’s on time for almost anything. And none of the doors work right, I mean none.

BRUCE
That’s kinda annoying.

VINCENT
Yeah. (beat.) it’s just interesting seeing another completely different culture.

BRUCE
I bet.

VINCENT
It’s weird, cause it’s not better or worse really, like some things are really cool about it and some really aren’t. It’s just (beat) different. Which is nice for a change.

BRUCE
Yeah.

VINCENT
And I must say, it’d be sweet to be able to carry things on my head like they do, it’s insane.

BRUCE
That would be crazy.

(He picks up the TV remote and balances it on his head.)

VINCENT
Not even close.

BRUCE
What do you mean?

VINCENT
Try carrying the entire couch on you head, that’s closer to what they do.

(Bruce takes the remote off his head and looks down at the couch with a contemplative look on his face.)

(Pause.)

BRUCE
Nah.

VINCENT
Wise choice.

(They go back to watching TV.)

(Blackout.)