Play 196: The Super…ies

CHARACTERS
ANNOUNCER
SUPERHERO 1
SUPERHERO 2

(The announcer is standing in front of a podium on a stage in a gigantic room, there are dozens of tables filled with fancily dressed people. There is a screen behind him with the words “Superhero of the Year Awards 2006” on it in giant letters.)

ANNOUNCER
And he wasn’t even wearing pants!

(There is faint laughter from the crowd.)

ANNOUNCER
But anyways, now is time for the most prized award of the night.

(Beat.)

That’s right, it’s time for the Best Superhero of the Year Award, celebrating crime fighting greatness achieved during the span of this last year.

(He takes out an envelope.)_

And the winner is….

(He slowly opens the envelope, and looks inside.)

(Beat.)

Super-Awesome Man!

(The crowd applauds.)

(Superhero 1 walks onto the stage, grinning.)

(The announcer shakes his hand, and hands him a trophy of a superhero flying.)

SUPERHERO 1
I just want to thank everyone who has helped me get here, and all the other superheroes who help to keep this city safe—

ANNOUNCER
(Interrupting him.)
Well said, well said! It looks like we’re short on time, so I’m sorry to cut you off, but we have to move on to the last award of the night.)

(Superhero 1, looking slightly offended, nods and walks off the stage and back to his seat.)

ANNOUNCER
And now for the last award.

(Beat.)

Yes, it is once again time for the Worst Superhero of the Year Award.

(He takes out another envelope.)

And the winner is…

(He opens the envelope and looks inside. Immediately after he looks, a look of dissapointment comes across his face.)

Gee, what a surprise.

(Superhero 2 sneaks up to the stage, no one else seems to notice.)

(Beat.)

For the fifth straight year, the winner is…

(Superhero 2 suddenly dives at the podium and tackles the announcer, the crowd gasps. He grabs the envelope from the announcers hand, and the trophy as well—the trophy being an image of a superhero kneeling on the ground crying while a criminal holds a gun to his head.)

SUPERHERO 2
Woo!

(The announcer starts to stand up, but superhero 2 slaps him in the face, knocking him back onto the floor.)

SUPERHERO 2
I’m not wearing underwear!

(Beat.)

Random Awkward Man, away!

(He runs offstage, loudly humming a song to himself, and runs through the tables and out of the room.)

(Pause, the crowd is silent. The announcer gets to his feet.)

(Beat.)

ANNOUNCER
You know what? Fuck this, I don’t get paid enough for this shit!

(He shoves the podium over, and storms offstage.)

(Blackout.)

Play 195: Watt?

CHARACTERS
BEN, 17
SAMUEL BECKETT, old

(Ben is sitting at a table reading a book.)

(As he’s reading, a confused look comes across his face.)

BEN
(Muttering to himself.)
What the fuck…

(Beckett enters.)

(Ben looks up at him.)

BEN
You wrote this, right?

BECKETT
Why yes, I did.

BEN
It sucks.

BECKETT
What?

BEN
This book (beat.) Watt (beat.) it sucks.

(Beckett laughs.)

BECKETT
Imbecile.

BEN
So because I don’t like your book, I’m stupid?

BECKETT
Yes, don’t you see? I wasn’t trying to write your typical normal “book” with “plot” and “characters.”

BEN
I know, I know. You were trying to “redefine what we think of as a novel” or “writing.”

BECKETT
Precisely.

BEN
Do you have any idea how pretentious that is?

BECKETT
You just don’t understand.

BEN
Maybe it’s just pretentious.

BECKETT
You are just too rooted in the societal definition of what writing is to comprehend the true depth and realism of my work.

BEN
If by “depth and realism” you mean “mind numbing boringness” then yes, exactly.

BECKETT
Who are you to mock me? I’m Samuel Beckett!

BEN
Funny, you seem like a pompous dick to me.

BECKETT
You really think you could write a better book?

BEN
Actually, yes.

(Beat.)

BECKETT
Well you can’t.

BEN
You keep telling yourself that.

(Beat.)

You know what? If you love your book so much…

(He hurls the book at the ground in front of Beckett.)

Have fun, I can’t read another word of that or I’ll fall asleep.

(He gets up and exits.)

(Beckett stands looking shocked and angry.)

(Beat.)

(He picks up the book, opens it, and starts to read.)

(Suddenly he bursts into laughter in the middle of reading.)

BECKETT
(To himself.)
I don’t know what he’s talking about.

(He continues laughing.)

(Blackout.)

Play 194: Oo, Oo, a Metaphor!

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
RYAN, 17

(They are standing outside by a swimming pool. Vincent is on fire.)

RYAN
Go!

VINCENT
Where?

RYAN
In the fucking pool!

VINCENT
Oh.

(Beat.)

Yeah.

(Beat.)

RYAN
Seriously, before you get even more burned!

VINCENT
I should.

RYAN
No shit!

(Beat.)

Go!

VINCENT
One second.

RYAN
What the hell are you waiting for?

VINCENT
I don’t know.

RYAN
Whatever it is, stop!

VINCENT
I should.

RYAN
You’re on fucking fire, and there is a fucking pool!

VINCENT
I know.

RYAN
There is no reason to not go in it.

VINCENT
I know.

RYAN
And an unbelievably good reason to go in it.

VINCENT
I know.

RYAN
And you’re instead standing there burning to death (beat.) why?

VINCENT
Honestly?

RYAN
Yeah.

VINCENT
I have no idea.

RYAN
The longer you wait the worse it will get.

VINCENT
No shit.

RYAN
You must be in a lot of pain.

VINCENT
(Sarcastic.)
Oh no, I’m just engulfed in flames.

RYAN
So jump in the fucking pool!

VINCENT
I really should.

(Beat.)

RYAN
And yet, you aren’t.

VINCENT
Funny how that works, isn’t it?

RYAN
You’re fucking insane.

VINCENT
Trust me, I know.

(Beat.)

(Vincent collapses to the ground, having passed out.)

(The flames continue to rage, Ryan shakes his head.)

(Blackout.)

Play 193: I Should Go

CHARACTERS
MATT, 17
BRIAN, 17

(They are sitting on a couch watching television.)

MATT
I should probably go.

BRIAN
Can’t you stay a bit longer?

MATT
Sorry, but I really should go.

BRIAN
You’ve only been here a few hours.

MATT
I know.

(Beat.)

I have a lot of homework to do.

BRIAN
Oh.

(Beat.)

MATT
Sorry.

BRIAN
It’s okay.

(Beat.)

(Matt stands up.)

BRIAN
I’ll see you later then.

MATT
Yeah.

(He starts walking towards the door.)

BRIAN
Matt.

(Matt turns back around.)

MATT
Yeah?

BRIAN
Want to hang out tomorrow?

(Beat.)

MATT
Sorry, but I doubt I’ll finish my work today.

BRIAN
You sure?

MATT
Yeah.

(Beat.)

I got a bunch.

(Beat.)

BRIAN
Oh.

MATT
See you later.

BRIAN
Yeah.

(Matt heads for the door again.)

BRIAN
We’ll chill next weekend maybe?

(Matt turns around again.)

MATT
Yeah.

(Beat.)

Sure.

BRIAN
Cool.

MATT
Cool.

(Beat.)

(Matt exits.)

(Blackout.)

Play 192: What Rhymes With Devout?

CHARACTERS
1
2
BEN, 17

(1 and 2 stand in the middle of the stage.)

1
So.

2
Fucking.

1
Tired.

2
Must.

1
Get.

2
Sleep.

(Beat.)

(Ben enters.)

BEN
I apologize for the shittiness of this scene.

(Beat.)

However, I am so tired I can barely see anymore, so it is time for sleep.

(Beat.)

Oh, and really, this isn’t all completely my fault. I blame Raja Bell for that goddamn three, and Sam Cassell for all those fuck ups.

(Beat.)

God damnit.

(Ben exits.)

1
Can you say…

2
Cop-out?

1
Hey!

2
What?

1
Know what rhymes with cop-out?

2
No.

1
Guess.

2
No.

1
Okay.

(Beat.)

2
What?

1
Black out.

2
Indeed it does.

(Beat.)

(Blackout.)

Play 191: Not Going to Work

CHARACTERS
SCOTT, 24
JOHN, 25

(John is sitting in a chair in a messy apartment reading a book. Scott, in worn out jeans, a t-shirt, and a ratty jacket, has his hand on the door.)

(He turns around.)

SCOTT
Hey John?

JOHN
Yeah?

(Scott walks away from the door.)

SCOTT
Could I borrow some money?

JOHN
No.

SCOTT
Come on, just a few bucks.

JOHN
Nope.

(He goes back to reading.)

SCOTT
Why not?

JOHN
You know why.

SCOTT
You don’t think I’d…

(His voice trails off.)
JOHN
Why wouldn’t I?

SCOTT
I’m not going to.

JOHN
Then what are you going to spend it on?

SCOTT
Um…I’m going to…

JOHN
Nice try.

SCOTT
I’ll just get it from someone else anyways.

JOHN
Then there’s no need to ask me, is there?

SCOTT
Screw you.

JOHN
Oh, now I definitely want to give you the money.

(Scott starts heading towards the door. He pauses.)

SCOTT
You know, I’ve always been there for you.

JOHN
Not going to work.

SCOTT
What?

JOHN
Guilt tripping me.

SCOTT
I wasn’t—

JOHN
I said it’s not going to work.

SCOTT
You know what?

(Beat.)

You can go fuck yourself!

(He exits, slamming the door behind him.)

(Pause.)

(John shakes his head, and returns to reading his book.)

(Blackout.)

Play 190: The Other Six Percent

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
JOSH, 17

(They’re sitting at a table eating lunch.)

JOSH
Seriously?

VINCENT
Yeah.

JOSH
Ninety-four percent?

VINCENT
Yup.

JOSH
You sure you’re not remembering it wrong?

VINCENT
Yeah.

(Beat.)

JOSH
Wow.

VINCENT
I know.

(Beat.)

Kind of hard to imagine.

JOSH
Very.

(Beat.)

You don’t, do you?

VINCENT
Nope.

(Beat.)

You?

JOSH
Not really.

(Beat.)

Maybe a litte.

(Beat.)

Is that counted in the 94 percent?

VINCENT
I don’t know

(Beat.)

Maybe.

JOSH
So you don’t at all?

VINCENT
Nope, I’m definitely an atheist.

JOSH
Yeah, me too pretty much.

VINCENT
Got a little agnostic in there or something?

JOSH
Yeah, a little.

VINCENT
That’s understandable.

JOSH
Yeah, you can never be sure really.

VINCENT
Yeah.

(Beat.)

JOSH
That’s still ridiculous to believe that 94 percent of people in this country believe in god though.

VINCENT
Yeah.

(Beat.)

It all varies with area though, in the South it’s 99 percent.

JOSH
It’d suck to be in the other 1 percent.

VINCENT
Yeah.

(Beat.)

No what else is insane?

JOSH
What?

VINCENT
Around 40 percent of Americans say they’re born-again or evangelical Christians.

JOSH
Really?

VINCENT
Kind of frightening, isn’t it?

JOSH
Very.

VINCENT
Note to self: never go to the South.

JOSH
Yeah.

VINCENT
Somehow I doubt being an atheist-Jew goes over too well.

JOSH
I think you underestimate the long tradition of tolerance in the South.

(Beat.)

(They laugh.)

(Blackout.)