Play 196: The Super…ies

CHARACTERS
ANNOUNCER
SUPERHERO 1
SUPERHERO 2

(The announcer is standing in front of a podium on a stage in a gigantic room, there are dozens of tables filled with fancily dressed people. There is a screen behind him with the words “Superhero of the Year Awards 2006” on it in giant letters.)

ANNOUNCER
And he wasn’t even wearing pants!

(There is faint laughter from the crowd.)

ANNOUNCER
But anyways, now is time for the most prized award of the night.

(Beat.)

That’s right, it’s time for the Best Superhero of the Year Award, celebrating crime fighting greatness achieved during the span of this last year.

(He takes out an envelope.)_

And the winner is….

(He slowly opens the envelope, and looks inside.)

(Beat.)

Super-Awesome Man!

(The crowd applauds.)

(Superhero 1 walks onto the stage, grinning.)

(The announcer shakes his hand, and hands him a trophy of a superhero flying.)

SUPERHERO 1
I just want to thank everyone who has helped me get here, and all the other superheroes who help to keep this city safe—

ANNOUNCER
(Interrupting him.)
Well said, well said! It looks like we’re short on time, so I’m sorry to cut you off, but we have to move on to the last award of the night.)

(Superhero 1, looking slightly offended, nods and walks off the stage and back to his seat.)

ANNOUNCER
And now for the last award.

(Beat.)

Yes, it is once again time for the Worst Superhero of the Year Award.

(He takes out another envelope.)

And the winner is…

(He opens the envelope and looks inside. Immediately after he looks, a look of dissapointment comes across his face.)

Gee, what a surprise.

(Superhero 2 sneaks up to the stage, no one else seems to notice.)

(Beat.)

For the fifth straight year, the winner is…

(Superhero 2 suddenly dives at the podium and tackles the announcer, the crowd gasps. He grabs the envelope from the announcers hand, and the trophy as well—the trophy being an image of a superhero kneeling on the ground crying while a criminal holds a gun to his head.)

SUPERHERO 2
Woo!

(The announcer starts to stand up, but superhero 2 slaps him in the face, knocking him back onto the floor.)

SUPERHERO 2
I’m not wearing underwear!

(Beat.)

Random Awkward Man, away!

(He runs offstage, loudly humming a song to himself, and runs through the tables and out of the room.)

(Pause, the crowd is silent. The announcer gets to his feet.)

(Beat.)

ANNOUNCER
You know what? Fuck this, I don’t get paid enough for this shit!

(He shoves the podium over, and storms offstage.)

(Blackout.)