Play 140: Who the Hell Are You?

CHARACTERS
DEREK, 25
GEOFF, 27

(Geoff is sitting on a couch in a small apartment watching television. His back is to the door of the apartment.)

(There is the sound of keys rattling in the door, Geoff seems oblivious to it.)

(Derek enters with a bag of groceries, and closes the door behind him.)

(Geoff turns around from his position on the couch, and sees Derek.)

GEOFF
Hey.

(Derek turns around abruptly, and on seeing Geoff, he screams and jumps backward a step, dropping the bag of groceries on the floor in the process. The contents of it spill all over the floor.)

DEREK
(Yelling in fright.)
Who the hell are you?!

GEOFF
(Slightly surprised.)
Geoff.

(Beat.)

DEREK
What the hell are you doing in my apartment?!

GEOFF
I’m Dave’s friend.

DEREK
Oh.

(His pose relaxes.)

GEOFF
Did he not tell you I was going to be staying over for a couple days?

DEREK
No.

GEOFF
That would explain it.

DEREK
Yeah.

GEOFF
So you’re (beat.) Derek, right?

DEREK
Yeah.

GEOFF
Cool, nice to meet you.

DEREK
Yeah, you too (beat.) Geoff?

GEOFF
Yeah.

(Derek looks down at the spilled groceries.)

DEREK
Shit.

(He picks up the now empty bag off the ground.)

GEOFF
Want some help?

DEREK
No, don’t worry about it.

(He starts picking up the groceries off the floor and putting them back in the bag.)

GEOFF
Sorry about that.

DEREK
Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault.

GEOFF
Yeah, that’s odd Dave didn’t say anything to you.

DEREK
Not really, it is Dave after all.

GEOFF
Good point.

(Beat.)

Are you sure you don’t want some help?

DEREK
No, I almost got it.

GEOFF
Okay.

(Derek finishes picking up the groceries and walks off into another room.)

(Geoff goes back to watching TV.)

(Pause.)

(Derek walks back in, and sits down on the other side of the couch.)

(Beat.)

GEOFF
You okay?

DEREK
Yeah (beat.) just, a little shaken.

GEOFF
Understandable.

DEREK
Yeah.

(Beat.)

Fucking Dave.

(Blackout.)

Play 139: Not Even Close

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
AMBER, 17

(Vincent is sitting in front of a computer in a computer lab, staring blankly at the computer screen.)

(Amber enters and sits at the computer next to him.)

(Pause, she types on the computer for a bit.)

(She looks over.)

AMBER
Writing your scene?

VINCENT
Yeah.

AMBER
Any ideas?

VINCENT
Nope.

AMBER
None at all?

VINCENT
Not even close.

AMBER
That’s too bad.

VINCENT
Yeah.

AMBER
You have to have something.

VINCENT
If I did, I’d be writing right now.

AMBER
True.

(Beat.)

VINCENT
I just can’t think.

AMBER
Tired?

VINCENT
A little.

AMBER
That it?

VINCENT
Bad day.

AMBER
Why?

VINCENT
Honestly?

AMBER
Yeah.

VINCENT
No clue.

AMBER
I hate it when that happens.

VINCENT
Me too.

AMBER
I’m sorry.

VINCENT
It’s okay.

(Beat.)

AMBER
Well, think of the positive side?

VINCENT
Like?

AMBER
It’s the weekend.

VINCENT
Very true.

AMBER
Feel any better?

VINCENT
I guess.

AMBER
So no?

(He laughs.)

VINCENT
Pretty much.

(Beat.)

(She looks up at a clock on the wall.)

AMBER
Oh, shit.

VINCENT
What?

AMBER
I should go.

VINCENT
Okay.

(She hits a few keys on the keyboard.)

AMBER
Well, see you later, have a good weekend!

VINCENT
You too.

(She leaves.)

(He stares at the computer.)

(Beat.)

VINCENT
Fuck.

(Beat.)

(Blackout.)

Play 138: What?

CHARACTERS
1
2

1
Hey.

2
Hey.

1
So.

2
So?

1
So.

2
What?

1
What?

2
Can.

1
What?

2
I.

1
Huh?

2
Say.

1
Yeah?

2
More.

1
What?

2
Than.

1
Huh?

2
One.

1
What?

2
Word?

1
No.

2
Really?

1
Yeah.

2
Surely?

1
Indeed.

(Beat.)

2
Now?

1
No.

(Beat.)

2
Now?

1
No.

2
Ever?

1
No.

2
Really?

1
No.

2
No?

1
No.

2
What?

1
What?

(Pause.)

(Blackout.)

Play 137: PC…ness

CHARACTERS
MAN, late 20s
WOMAN, late 20s
COP, male, early 30s

(A man and woman are sitting at a round table in a kitchen of a small apartment eating breakfast.)

MAN
Oh, I saw Joe yesterday.

WOMAN
Really?

(He takes a sip of his orange juice.)

MAN
Yeah, he looked pretty good.

WOMAN
That’s great!

MAN
Yeah.

WOMAN
Is he still…

MAN
What?

WOMAN
Well, you know…

MAN
An alcoholic?

WOMAN
Yeah.

MAN
I’m not sure.

(Suddenly there is an extremely loud noise and the door to the apartment comes crashing in.)

(Both the man and woman jump to their feet in fright and look to the door.)

(The cop bursts into the room holding a shotgun.)

COP
Freeze!

(Both the man and woman put their hands up, they have looks of horror on their faces.)

MAN
What is it, we haven’t done anything wrong, I swear!

COP
Oh really?

WOMAN
We haven’t!

COP
Sir, Ma’am, please, sit down.

MAN
But—

COP
(Yelling and pointing the shotgun at him.)
Sit down!

MAN
Okay!

(They sit back down in their chairs.)

(The cop starts pacing around them.)

WOMAN
Tell us, what did we do?

COP
You might want to think back on the conversation.

MAN
We were just talking about my old friend.

COP
And?

MAN
And I said he looked good.

COP
And?

WOMAN
And I asked him if Joe was still an alco—

COP
Stop right there!

MAN
What?

COP
Don’t even think of saying it again.

WOMAN
What?

COP
That word.

WOMAN
You mean, al—

COP
Stop!

(He stops pacing and points the shotgun at her.)

WOMAN
(Frightened.)
No, I won’t say it again!

COP
You make sure that you don’t.

(Pause.)

MAN
Can I ask you a question?

COP
Yes.

MAN
Why can’t we say (beat.) that word.

COP
Well, I’m with the PC cops, and I am here to enforce the new law.

MAN
New law?

COP
Yes, that word has been banned.

MAN
Well what can we say now?

COP
There is a replacement term.

WOMAN
What is it?

COP
The soberly-challenged.

MAN
Why?

COP
I don’t make the laws, I just enforce them.

MAN
Okay, so my friend was (beat.) soberly challenged.

COP
Very good sir.

MAN
So are we okay now?

COP
As long as the mistake doesn’t happen again, I’m willing to let you slide this time.

(Beat.)

MAN
Uhh, thanks.

Cop
Your welcome.

(Beat.)

Well, now that that’s resolved, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day, I have to get back to the streets.

MAN
Okay.

(The cop heads for the door, and leaves.)

(Pause, they sit in silence.)

WOMAN
That was (beat.) odd.

MAN
No shit.

(Pause.)

(The woman looks over to the shattered door.)

WOMAN
We’re going to need to get that fixed, aren’t we.

(He looks over at it.)

MAN
Definitely.

(Blackout.)

Play 136: Cult

CHARACTERS
MAN 1, mid 20s
MAN 2, early 30s

(Man 2 is sitting behind a desk in a fancy looking office. There is an empty chair on the other side of the desk.)

(There is a knock at the door.)

MAN 2
Come in.

(Man 1 enters.)

MAN 1
Hi.

MAN 2
So, are you here to join my cul—

(He coughs in a very forced manner.)

I mean, life guidance system?

MAN 1
Yeah, a friend of mine told me it was great.

MAN 2
Oh, it is. Please, sit down.

(He motions to the chair.)

(Man 1 sits down in it.)

MAN 1
So (beat.) what’s the program exactly?

MAN 2
Well, it is a program to brainwa—I mean, help you take control of your life.

MAN 1
So (beat.) what exactly do you teach us?

MAN 2
Well, it’s a long and complicated process that helps you to come to realize the true power of the your inner self, and how you can utilize this power to gain wealth, happiness, and respect from the people around you.

MAN 1
Well, that sounds pretty good.

MAN 2
Thank you, I designed the program myself.

(Beat.)

MAN 1
So, how much does it cost?

MAN 2
Keep in mind, this program will allow you to make all your money back thousands of times over, and can you really put a price on contentment?

MAN 1
(Flatly.)
How much?

MAN 2
Just a one time payment of forty thousand dollars.

MAN 1
Forty thousand?

MAN 2
Yes.

MAN 1
Forty thousand dollars to join your cult?

MAN 2
Life guidance system.

MAN 1
Whatever.

(Beat.)

MAN 2
So will you pay?

MAN 1
Are you serious?

MAN 2
As I said, it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind.

MAN 1
So yes?

MAN 2
Yes.

(Beat.)

MAN 1
Okay, sure, why not.

(Beat.)

MAN 2
Really?

MAN 1
Hell no, what do you take me for, an idiot?

MAN 2
No.

(He pulls out a gun.)

MAN 1
What the hell?

(Man 2 points the gun at him.)

MAN 2
How do you think I got so many people to join?

(Man 1 remains silent in mute horror.)

MAN 2
So, why don’t you just sign here.

(He puts a paper on the desk.)

(Pause, Man 1 remains still.)

MAN 2
(Angrily.)
I said sign it!

MAN 1
Okay, okay!

(He takes out a pen and signs the form.)

(Man 2 smiles.)

(Blackout.)

Play 135: Hypochondriac

CHARACTERS
GUY 1, 17
GUY 2, 17

(Vincent is sitting in front of a computer in a computer lab, Allen is sitting in the chari next to him.)

1
(Muttering to himself.)
Hmm…

2
What?

1
Nothing.

2
What you looking at?

1
Nothing much.

(Allen looks over at the computer.)

2
GAD?

(Beat.)

1
General Anxiety Disorder.

2
Think it might apply?

1
Maybe.

2
Those online things are misleading though.

1
I know, I mean, from some sites you can almost think you’re fucking schizophrenic even.

2
Yeah.

(Beat.)

Didn’t you say you think you have OCD before?

1
Yeah, I think I probably have it mildly.

2
So you think you have that, and Anxiety Disorder or whatever?

1
I’m not sure about that one at all.

(Beat.)

I think it’s more likely I have Social Anxiety Disorder.

2
What’s the difference?

1
A lot.

(Beat.)

2
I’ll take your word for it.

(Beat.)

(Sarcastically.)
Is that all?

1
Pretty much.

(Beat.)

I also think might have Clinical Depression.

2
really?

1
I said might, maybe, but then again, I easily could not too.

2
Have you ever considered you might be a hypochondriac?

1
Definitely.

(Beat.)

2
Do you even know what it means?

(Pause.)

You don’t do you?

(Beat.)

1
What is it?

2
It means thinking you’re sick when you’re not.

(Beat.)

1
Oh.

(Beat.)

2
You are aware you just got served?

1
Yes. Quite badly.

2
Indeed.

(Blackout.)

Play 134: Morgue

CHARACTERS
VINCENT, 17
ASHLEY, 17

(Vincent is sitting at a table in a school lunchroom with a sandwich and a soda. Ashley sits down at the table with her lunch.)

ASHLEY
Hey.

(He looks up from his food.)

VINCENT
Hey.

ASHLEY
How’re you doing?

VINCENT
Dead.

ASHLEY
What?

VINCENT
Dead.

ASHLEY
Tired?

VINCENT
Yeah. And just (beat.) well, dead.

ASHLEY
Welcome to school.

VINCENT
Yeah.

(Beat.)

How’re you?

ASHLEY
Guess.

VINCENT
Dead?

ASHLEY
Yup.

VINCENT
Fun.

ASHLEY
(Sarcastically.)
Oh yeah.

(Pause, they sit eating their lunches.)

VINCENT
Where the hell is everyone anyways?

ASHLEY
No clue.

VINCENT
I swear, it’s a fucking morgue here today.

ASHLEY
That would explain why we feel dead.

VINCENT
Indeed.

(Pause.)

VINCENT
I hate my life.

ASHLEY
You shouldn’t say that.

VINCENT
Why?

ASHLEY
Well…

(Beat.)

Good point.

VINCENT
Indeed.

(They sit eating in silence for a couple seconds.)

(Blackout.)