Play 137: PC…ness

CHARACTERS
MAN, late 20s
WOMAN, late 20s
COP, male, early 30s

(A man and woman are sitting at a round table in a kitchen of a small apartment eating breakfast.)

MAN
Oh, I saw Joe yesterday.

WOMAN
Really?

(He takes a sip of his orange juice.)

MAN
Yeah, he looked pretty good.

WOMAN
That’s great!

MAN
Yeah.

WOMAN
Is he still…

MAN
What?

WOMAN
Well, you know…

MAN
An alcoholic?

WOMAN
Yeah.

MAN
I’m not sure.

(Suddenly there is an extremely loud noise and the door to the apartment comes crashing in.)

(Both the man and woman jump to their feet in fright and look to the door.)

(The cop bursts into the room holding a shotgun.)

COP
Freeze!

(Both the man and woman put their hands up, they have looks of horror on their faces.)

MAN
What is it, we haven’t done anything wrong, I swear!

COP
Oh really?

WOMAN
We haven’t!

COP
Sir, Ma’am, please, sit down.

MAN
But—

COP
(Yelling and pointing the shotgun at him.)
Sit down!

MAN
Okay!

(They sit back down in their chairs.)

(The cop starts pacing around them.)

WOMAN
Tell us, what did we do?

COP
You might want to think back on the conversation.

MAN
We were just talking about my old friend.

COP
And?

MAN
And I said he looked good.

COP
And?

WOMAN
And I asked him if Joe was still an alco—

COP
Stop right there!

MAN
What?

COP
Don’t even think of saying it again.

WOMAN
What?

COP
That word.

WOMAN
You mean, al—

COP
Stop!

(He stops pacing and points the shotgun at her.)

WOMAN
(Frightened.)
No, I won’t say it again!

COP
You make sure that you don’t.

(Pause.)

MAN
Can I ask you a question?

COP
Yes.

MAN
Why can’t we say (beat.) that word.

COP
Well, I’m with the PC cops, and I am here to enforce the new law.

MAN
New law?

COP
Yes, that word has been banned.

MAN
Well what can we say now?

COP
There is a replacement term.

WOMAN
What is it?

COP
The soberly-challenged.

MAN
Why?

COP
I don’t make the laws, I just enforce them.

MAN
Okay, so my friend was (beat.) soberly challenged.

COP
Very good sir.

MAN
So are we okay now?

COP
As long as the mistake doesn’t happen again, I’m willing to let you slide this time.

(Beat.)

MAN
Uhh, thanks.

Cop
Your welcome.

(Beat.)

Well, now that that’s resolved, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day, I have to get back to the streets.

MAN
Okay.

(The cop heads for the door, and leaves.)

(Pause, they sit in silence.)

WOMAN
That was (beat.) odd.

MAN
No shit.

(Pause.)

(The woman looks over to the shattered door.)

WOMAN
We’re going to need to get that fixed, aren’t we.

(He looks over at it.)

MAN
Definitely.

(Blackout.)