Play 63: Oh Yeah?

CHARACTERS
WARREN, mid 40s
JOSEPH, late 30s
STEVE, mid 40s

(They’re in a bar drinking beer, Warren and Steve are sitting next to each other and Joseph is a couple seats over from Warren.)

WARREN
And we were the baddest motherfuckers around.

JOSEPH
So you were in the 1st Airforce Batallion too?

WARREN
Fuck no, 1st Navy Battalion.

JOSEPH
Then who the hell are you calling the baddest motherfuckers?

WARREN
The people who were out at sea with no food or water for days at a time without one person’s stomach growling.

JOSEPH
That’s nothing. Try dropping bombs on enemy camps while the sky’s so full of bullets and anti-aircraft missiles you can’t even see another plane if it’s a foot away from you.

WARREN
Oh, so real tough are you? Try killing a crocodile with your bare hands!

JOSEPH
Child’s play. I got hit square on with a missile on an attack mission. I stayed in the burning plane for an entire fifteen minutes so I could fire on the enemies before ejecting!

WARREN
Oh yeah? I treaded water for three days in the Artic Ocean in mid-winter waiting for a rescue crew to come.

JOSEPH
Bullshit.

WARREN
Oh yeah?

JOSEPH
You’d be dead after three minutes!

WARREN
If you’re a fucking pussy!

JOSEPH
You know what, fuck you you crazy bastard!

(He shoves his chair aside and angrily leaves the bar.)

(Warren breaks out laughing.)

STEVE
Why the fuck you always have to pull that kind of shit?

WARREN
Gotta defend you’re honor.

STEVE
You were barely even born when the Vietnam War was hapenning!

(Warren laughs.)

WARREN
You gotta admit that shit is funny though, ii love pissing off those vets, it’s just so easy.

(Steve starts laughing.)

WARREN
What?

STEVE
You think he’s a Vietnam vet?

WARREN
Well (beat.) yeah,

STEVE
He hardly even looks 40!

WARREN
You think?

STEVE
Yup.

(beat.)

WARREN
Huh.
(beat.)
Hey bartender, two more.

(He points to two empty beer glasses.)

WARREN
(mutters.)
Sonofabitch.

(Blackout.)