Play 259: Vegetarian

CHARACTERS
JEFF, early 20s
GARY, early 20s
FRED

(They stand drinking beers in an apartment.)

JEFF
You’re lucky.

GARY
I know. It’s nice, isn’t it?

JEFF
Definitely.

(Beat.)

When did you move in?

GARY
A week ago.

JEFF
You’re sharing it with another person, right?

GARY
Yeah, Fred. He’s in his room.

JEFF
He cool?

GARY
He seems alright to me.

(Fred enters.)

GARY
Hey Fred.

(Fred grunts.)

JEFF
Holy shit!

GARY
What?

JEFF
He’s a fucking zombie!

FRED
Must…eat.

(Jeff backs away from him.)

JEFF
Stay back!

GARY
Chill man, he’s cool.

JEFF
You sure?

GARY
Yeah.

JEFF
But he’s a…

GARY
You don’t have to worry. He’s a vegetarian.

JEFF
Really?

GARY
Yeah.

FRED
Heart…

JEFF
Uhh, Gary?

GARY
Yeah?

JEFF
You sure he’s a vegetarian?

GARY
Yeah.

(Fred walks over to the refrigerator in classic zombie fashion—ie, awkwardly stiffly and slowly.)

JEFF
But, he just said something about heart.

GARY
Oh yeah, he loves artichoke hearts.

JEFF
Oh.

(Fred takes out some artichoke hearts and chews on them.)

JEFF
I didn’t even realize (beat.) they (beat.) could be vegetarians.

GARY
I didn’t either.

(Beat.)

At first I was scared too, but he’s harmless.

JEFF
Okay.

(Fred puts the artichoke hearts away.)

FRED
Brains…

(Beat.)

JEFF
Gary…

GARY
You worry too much.

JEFF
But he said brains…

GARY
Yeah, vegetarian brains.

(Beat.)

JEFF
Oh, okay.

(Blackout.)