Play 316: Next Round’s On Me

CHARACTERS
DEREK, early 20s
JACK, early 20s

(Jack is dressed as a giant bottle of Jack Daniels.)

DEREK
Oh shit.

JACK
I don’t even get a hi?

DEREK
This isn’t going to end well.

JACK
I think it’ll end pretty damn well myself.

DEREK
Of course you do.

JACK
You’re damn right.

DEREK
Just curious…by well, do you mean, me without my pants on in a public place?

JACK
You can always dream.

(Beat.)

DEREK
I just want a relaxing night.

JACK
That’s no fun.

DEREK
Neither is spewing.

JACK
That all depends on the context.

DEREK
No, it really doesn’t.

(Beat.)

JACK
So you’re gonna be a pussy.

DEREK
That’s not going to work.

JACK
What?

DEREK
Trying to insult my masculinity to convince me.

JACK
What masculinity?

DEREK
Not going to work.

JACK
Pansy.

(Beat.)

JACK
Just one drink.

DEREK
You always say that.

JACK
You know you want to.

DEREK
No, I don’t.

(Beat.)

JACK
It’s been a long week.

DEREK
It has. That’s why I need some rest.

JACK
You need a drink.

DEREK
I need some sleep.

JACK
Buzzkill.

(Pause.)

JACK
Fine, if you won’t come along, I’ll go by myself.

DEREK
Okay.

JACK
Your loss.

DEREK
Yeah, sure.

JACK
Have fun being sober by yourself.

DEREK
Just leave already.

JACK
Fine.

(He starts to exit.)

JACK
(As he leaves)
Next round’s on me!

(Blackout.)