Play 325: A…Progressive…Firm

CHARACTERS
INTERVIEWER
INTERVIEWEE

INTERVIEWER
So we’ve taken a good look at your résumé.

INTERVIEWEE
And?

INTERVIEWER
And you obviously are very qualified for this job.

INTERVIEWEE
Yeah.

INTERVIEWER
And we’ve heard that everyone at your last job said you had done very good work.

INTERVIEWEE
Oh?

INTERVIEW
Yes, and everyone seemed to be quite fond of you as well.

INTERVIEWEE
I guess all that bribing I did paid off.

(They laugh.)

INTERVIEWER
Well, I don’t think there’s any more questions I need to ask really. You seem to be a perfect fit.

(Beat.)

Is there anything you want to ask about?

INTERVIEWEE
Nothing that I can think of…

INTERVIEWER
Okay, well—

INTERVIEWEE
Oh, I thought of one thing.

INTERVIEWER
Go ahead.

INTERVIEWEE
It’s a bit of an odd question.

INTERVIEWER
Shoot.

(Beat.)

INTERVIEWEE
What’s your policy on murder?

(Beat.)

INTERVIEWER
Murder?

INTERVIEWEE
Yes. Because, I personally have killed ten men. Eleven if that one guy bled to death, I couldn’t really stick around to find out.

(Beat.)

INTERVIEWER
Is this a joke?

INTERVIEWEE
A joke? No, why I killed a hobo with a screwdriver on my way here!

(Beat.)

INTERVIEWER
That’s so funny, because us here at Sloan Sloan and Sloan are actually very pro-murder.

INTERVIEWEE
Really?

INTERVIEWER
Yeah, we’re the second most pro-murder firm in the country.

INTERVIEWEE
What a coincidence.

INTERVIEWER
I know. And we’re also the third most in favor of hobo murder in particular.

INTERVIEWEE
Really?

INTERVIEWER
Yes.

(Beat.)

You know, I think you’re going to do really well here.

INTERVIEWEE
So do I.

(They shake hands.)

(Interviewee pulls out a knife and lifts it up.)

INTERVIEWER
Wait a—

INTERVIEWEE
Just kidding!

(They laugh.)

(Blackout.)