Play 33: Tom Waits Is The Man (aka, What If You Could Only Talk In Tom Waits Lyrics?)

CHARACTERS
TOM, 16
SCOTT, 16

(Scott is sitting at a table reading a book. Tom enters, and Scott looks up and sees him.)

SCOTT
Hey, how’s it going man?

TOM
She took all my money.

SCOTT
Who?

TOM
And my best friend.

SCOTT
Fuck.

(Beat.)

Wait, who are you talking about?

TOM
You know the story.

SCOTT
Umm, no, I don’t. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

(Pause.)

Who is she?

TOM
She's my Black Market Baby.

SCOTT
What?

TOM
And I hang in the curtain, and I sleep in your hat.

SCOTT
What the hell are you talking about?

TOM
He’s got the fire and the fury at his command.

(Pause.)

SCOTT
You’re seriously kinda freaking me out man.

TOM
You gotta help me.

SCOTT
Help you what?

TOM
Keep the devil way down in the hole.

SCOTT
Hey, that’s from that song.

TOM
Inside a promise. I can’t escape.

SCOTT
Hey, what the fuck, that is too.

TOM
I paint the sheets across my bed
The birds will all fly from my head

SCOTT
Okay, now you’re just kinda scaring me.

TOM
(yells)
Make it rain!

(Scott jerks back in shock due to the volume of the yell.)

SCOTT
If you don’t stop right now, I’m leaving.

TOM
And I’ve seen it all—

SCOTT
Please just stop.

TOM
--I’ve seen it all
Through the yellow windows of the evening train.

SCOTT
Bye.

(He picks up his book from the table and starts walking offstage.)

TOM
(Yelling after him as he leaves.)
In the morning I’ll be gone!

(Scott exits.)

(Pause.)

(Tom turns towards the audience.)

TOM
I love doing that.

(He laughs.)

TOM
(Singing as he walks offstage.)
Don't pay heed to temptation
For his hands are so cold

(he exits, the sound of him singing is still audible, getting softer and softer.)

TOM
(From offstage.)
You gotta help me keep the devil
Way down in the hole

(Fade out as he repeats the last two lines over and over, getting softer each time.)