Play 29: At Least I’m Not A…

CHARACTERS
BEN, 16
CRITIC, 16

(Ben is sitting in front of a computer staring at the screen, Critic is standing over his shoulder.)

CRITIC
Empty page. Nice.

BEN
Shut up.

CRITIC
Oh, “shut up,” how original.

BEN
I’m just telling you to shut up. How original does it have to be?

CRITIC
True.

(Pause.)

So, I see those ideas are just rushing out.

BEN
Thanks for the input.

CRITIC
There’s just a torrent of them.

BEN
Why are you even here? I’m just trying to write a goddamn scene and you keep bugging me and not letting me fucking think.

CRITIC
Wo, chill man.

BEN
Why don’t you just leave.

CRITIC
I will once you write something.

(Pause.)

(Ben starts typing.)

CRITIC
Let’s see what we got here. Characters: Ben, 16, o wow, so original, using yourself as a character again.

BEN
I’m not asking you for approval, I’m just trying to write.

(He continues typing.)

CRITIC
And then we have, Critic, o wow, the originality is just stunning. The inner critic, my god, no one’s thought about it before, quick go get a patent before someone steals it!

BEN
Fuck you.

CRITIC
Wo, no need to get hostile. I’m just trying to give me you some helpful feedback and you bite my head off.

BEN
Helpful feedback? Funny, I could’ve sworn it was criticism.

CRITIC
Well maybe that’s cause you’re oversensitive.

BEN
Come on, you’re my fucking critic, what the hell else is it besides criticism.

CRITIC
Like I said, oversensitive.

BEN
So what. At least I’m not an overcritical psychotic asshole like some people in this room.

CRITIC
Good point. Or it would be if you weren’t one.

BEN
I’m not.

CRITIC
Says you.

BEN
Just leave me the hell alone, I just need to get this scene done.

(He goes back to typing.)

CRITIC
Let’s see what we got here…

(Looks at screen.)

Quick, call the press! This one’ll get you a Pulitzer for sure!

BEN
It’s not supposed to be a masterpiece.

CRITIC
True. But being at all decent would be nice.

BEN
It is decent.

CRITIC
It’s an inner-critic scene. Enough said.

BEN
So what if it sucks, I’m writing three hundred sixty five fucking scenes, some of them are bound to suck.

CRITIC
Some?


BEN
Fine, a lot even.

CRITIC
A lot?

BEN
Not all of them suck.

CRITIC
Ah, delusion, my old friend.

BEN
At least I have friends.

CRITIC
Oh my god, of course, how stupid of me to forget.

BEN
I have friends.

CRITIC
Sure you do. And I’m sure they’re always there for you and love you and really show they care about you and all that great friend stuff.

BEN
Who’s the hostile one now.

CRITIC
At least I’m not a delusional overcritical oversensitive psychotic bastard who can’t even write one good scene.

BEN
At least I fucking exist.

CRITIC
Oh, and how well that’s been working out for you.

(Ben slams his finger one of the keys on the keyboard of the computer.)

BEN
There, done.

CRITIC
Oh, bravo, bravo.

BEN
Shut up.

CRITIC
Oh, back to that again are we?

BEN
You said you’d get the fuck out of here once I finished writing the scene.

CRITIC
Oh did I? Oops, I guess I lied.

BEN
Fuck you.

CRITIC
Boo hoo, that just makes me so sad.

BEN
Shut up.

CRITIC
YOU shut up.

BEN
You’re an asshole you know.

CRITIC
At least I’m not a—

BEN
(Yelling.)
Shut up shut up shut up shut up!

(He storms offstage.)

CRITIC
Hey, wait up!

(He runs offstage in pursuit.)

(Blackout.)