Play 24: You Don’t Want To Know

CHARACTERS
SCOTT, 23
NICOLE, 23
JOSHUA, 22

(They are sitting at a table eating breakfast—cereal, orange juice, etc.—at a table in the middle of what appears to be a kitchen. There are empty paper plates and cups everywhere, and trash as well. In short the rooms a mess.)

SCOTT
You sure you want to know?

NICOLE
Yeah.

SCOTT
Uh, I’m not so sure.

JOSHUA
I agree, it’s probably better that you don’t.

NICOLE
It couldn’t have been that bad.

(Pause, Scott and Joshua look to each other.)

Wait, was it?

SCOTT
I said you don’t want to know.

NICOLE
I won’t leave you alone until you tell me.

(Scott looks over to Joshua.)

JOSHUA
Maybe you just should, I mean, she says she wants to know.

SCOTT
Fine. (Beat.) Where should I start?

JOSHUA
Start with the shirt.

NICOLE
What are you talking about?

SCOTT
You, uh, you got up on one of the tables and started dancing, and in the process somehow manage to lose your shirt.

NICOLE
I did?

SCOTT
Yeah.

NICOLE
Is that it?

(Pause.)

JOSHUA
Tell her about Sam.

NICOLE
What about him?

SCOTT
You two, uh, well, you know.

NICOLE
What?

(Pause.)

JOSHUA
You had sex with him.

NICOLE
(alarmed)
What?

SCOTT
Yeah. He was bragging about it all night.

NICOLE
Come on, that’s bullshit!

SCOTT
No, I swear it’s true.

(She looks over to Joshua.)

JOSHUA
Like he said.

(Pause.)

NICOLE
Fuck.

SCOTT
Yeah.

(Pause.)

JOSHUA
Should we tell her about the goat?

NICOLE
What?!

SCOTT
Uh, maybe it’s best we don’t.

JOSHUA
You should listen to him.

NICOLE
What the fuck happened?

SCOTT
Listen Nicole, just trust me on this, you really don’t want to know.

NICOLE
You’re full of shit.

SCOTT
What? You really don’t want to know.

NICOLE
No, I mean all this stuff I did, you’re making it up!

JOSHUA
No he isn’t.

NICOLE
You seriously expect me to believe this?

SCOTT
I didn’t say that.

NICOLE
Then you’re admitting it?

SCOTT
No, I didn’t say I expected you to believe it. (Beat.) I’m juts saying it’s true.

NICOLE
Come on, all that stuff you said is nothing like me.

JOSHUA
Nothing like you sober.

NICOLE
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

JOSHUA
Guess.

(Pause.)

NICOLE
So you’re seriously not shitting me?

SCOTT AND JOSHUA
(in unison)
Nope.

(Pause.)

NICOLE
Fuck.

SCOTT
Yeah.

(Pause.)

NICOLE
Uh, I’m kinda scared to ask but

(Pause.)

The goat?

(Scott and Joshua start laughing histerically.)

NICOLE
You assholes! I fucking knew it!

(She storms out of the room.)

(Pause.)

JOSHUA
Are we going to tell her we weren’t joking?

SCOTT
Nah, as you said, it’s probably for the best she doesn’t know. Let her think we were fucking with her.

JOSHUA
Good idea.

(Pause.)

JOSHUA
But seriously man, the goat?

SCOTT
I know man, that shit was fucked up.

JOSHUA
Definetely.

(He looks down at his cereal.)

JOSHUA
Shit man, I’m not hungry anymore.

SCOTT
Neither am I.

(Blackout.)