Play 247: Missing What You Never Had

CHARACTERS
SCOTT, 24
ALLEN, 24

SCOTT
I should feel mad.

ALLEN
At her?

SCOTT
Yeah.

ALLEN
Why?

SCOTT
She’s given me every reason to. She never listened to what I had to say, she was always too busy talking about whatever was on her mind, even if it barely mattered. (beat.) It rarely did.

ALLEN
She did talk a lot.

SCOTT
You have no idea.

(Pause.)

And she was never there for me. She said she was, but she wasn’t. (beat.) She was distant too.

ALLEN
Really?

SCOTT
Yeah.

ALLEN
She always seemed like she had her emotions on her sleeve.

SCOTT
She acted like it. She acted open and emotional, but it wasn’t real. It’s just what she wanted people to think she was feeling, not what she actually was. She never showed that really. (beat.) Not to me at least.

(Pause.)

She was just too self-centered to have room in herself for anyone else.

(Long pause.)

ALLEN
But you don’t feel mad?

SCOTT
No. I know I should, but I don’t.

ALLEN
How come?

SCOTT
I don’t know.

(Beat.)

I used to be. When we were still together I was angry at her for how she was. Sometimes I even hated her. We’d be sitting eating dinner, and I’d be trying to talk and she wouldn’t let me, and I’d be digging my nails into my palms, mouthing “fuck you” whenever she wasn’t looking.

(Pause.)

ALLEN
So why aren’t you still?

(Pause.)

SCOTT
I just feel sad now.

ALLEN
About what? You even said the relationship was shit.

(Beat.)

SCOTT
I know.

(Pause.)

Early on it looked like it might work out, and even later when it got worse there was always that chance. No matter how small it was and how much I knew it was just wishful thinking, it was always there.

(Beat.)

And now it’s not.

(Pause.)

ALLEN
It’s for the best.

SCOTT
I know. That’s the worst part. I know I’m better off without her and I shouldn’t miss her. I should be glad I’m rid of her finally.

(Beat.)

It’s funny, I think I miss something I never had.

ALLEN
What do you mean?

SCOTT
I miss the relationship we could’ve had, not the one we actually did. I’m sad because it could’ve been so much more than it was. (beat.) That’s the problem. No matter how much I hated her and resented her (beat.) I loved her.

ALLEN
You did?

(Beat.)

SCOTT
Yeah. (beat.) I still don’t know why.

(Long pause.)

SCOTT
I wish I felt angry.

ALLEN
Why?

SCOTT
It’d be easier.

ALLEN
It would.

(Blackout.)