Play 118: Forms

CHARACTERS
MAN, mid 20s
CLERK, early 30s

(The clerk is sitting behind a desk in an official-looking building. There are many desks to each side of him, each with a numbered plaque on it—his is 17.)

(The man enters and walks up to the desk.)

MAN
Hi.

CLERK
Hello, how can I help you?

MAN
Well, I need to—

CLERK
(Interrupting him.)
Do you have the form?

MAN
The form?

CLERK
Yes.

MAN
Which form?

CLERK
Form 32-B-56.

MAN
32 dash what?

CLERK
B-56.

MAN
Umm, no, I don’t, but—

CLERK
Then you’ll have to go get the form before I can help you.

MAN
Why, I just need—

CLERK
I’m sorry sir, but until you have the form I’m not allowed to help you.

MAN
But why?

CLERK
That’s just how it’s done here.

MAN
Fine.

(Beat.)

So where can I get the form?

CLERK
Desk 23.

MAN
Okay, thanks.

CLERK
You’re welcome.

(The man turns to leave.)

CLERK
Oh, excuse me sir?

MAN
Yes?

CLERK
I’m assuming you have form 83-A?

MAN
Umm, no.

CLERK
Oh, then you’ll have to go to desk 87 first.

MAN
Oh.

CLERK
Assuming you have form 7-B-89-72-H.

(Pause.)

You don’t?

MAN
(Frustrated.)
No.

CLERK
Then you’ll have to go to desk 8914-A.

MAN
Okay.

(Beat.)

(Confused.)
Wait (beat.) dash A?

CLERK
Yes.

MAN
Okay, thanks.

CLERK
But first you need the pre-form.

MAN
The what?

CLERK
The pre-form.

MAN
(Coldly.)
There’s a pre-form?

CLERK
Yes sir.

(The man exhales loudly in frustration.)

MAN
And where can I get that.

CLERK
I have the form right her.

(He puts his hand on top of a thick stack of papers.

MAN
Oh, great.

(Pause.)

Umm, can I have it?

CLERK
I’m sorry sir, I already told you, before you can talk to me you need form 32-B-56.

MAN
Are you fucking serious?

CLERK
Yes. And I don’t appreciate your tone.

MAN
(Angrily.)
So your telling me I need that form before you’ll give me this one?

CLERK
Yes sir.

MAN
And get that form I need the form you have?

CLERK
No.

MAN
But you just said—

CLERK
I said you need form 83-A to get that form.

MAN
But to get that I need the form you have.

(Beat.)

CLERK
I’m not following your logic.

MAN
You’re not following my logic?

CLERK
Yes.

(The man sighs in frustration.)

MAN
(Angry.)
You know what, nevermind.

CLERK
What?

MAN
I said nevermind, fuck it.

(He starts walking off.)

CLERK
Thank you for coming sir, I’m glad to have helped you.

(The man turns back around.)

MAN
Helped me?

CLERK
What?

(Beat.)

MAN
Nevermind.

(He exits.)

(The clerk starts shuffling and re-arranging papers on his desk.)

(Lights down.)