Play 207: FAQ

CHARACTERS
BEN, 17

(Ben sits on a large comfortable looking chair in the middle of the stage facing the audience. There is a small table beside him with a stack of index cards on it.)

BEN
Hey, I just thought since I’ve been doing this for so long, it seemed about time to answer some frequently asked questions. So anyways, let’s get right to it.

(He picks up an index card.)

And our first question is…

(Beat.)

How did you come up with the idea to do a play a day for a year?

(Beat.)

Well, I got the idea from a creative writing teacher at CSSSA, who at the time was doing a play a day himself. Also, a few friends of mine from CSSSA started up their own ones a bit after, so, all of them helped inspire me to do it.

(Beat, he picks up another index card.)

Is it hard to write something everyday?

(Pause.)

Yes.

(Beat, he picks up another card.)

How do you come up with your ideas for the scenes?

(Pause.)

What ideas?

(He picks up another card.)

What’s up with that Vincent guy and why do you keep using him?

(Beat.)

Well, Vincent is my quasi-autobiographical character, my Holden Caulfield if you will, but more closely related to me I guess. Most of the time when I use him he just talks about thoughts that occur to me.

(Beat.)

Seeing his name in the character listing is also generally a good indicator that it’s probably a cop-out.

(He picks up another card.)

Do your scenes come out of real life experience or things that have happened to you?

(Beat.)

Not really, some of them are about thoughts I’ve had, or have themes that are related to my life or to me, but, mostly they don’t have that much of a concrete connection at least to my life.

(He picks up another card.)

Are you as violent as some of your scenes would seem to suggest you might be?

(Beat.)

No, I’m actually quite a pacifist, and one of the least likely people to hurt anyone in real life.

(Beat.)

I guess I just have a slightly over-active imagination and a dark sense of humor, and maybe because I am not violent, I have pent up anger and violence so it comes out in my imagination, jokes of mine, and scenes of mine, which in many cases I see as just jokes of a sort.

(Beat, he takes another card. Upon reading it, his expression sours.)

Should I be worried if I were to leave my children/loved ones around you?

(Beat.)

Once again, I’m not a psychopathic murdering lunatic like some of my scenes may suggest.

(Beat.)

So yes, anyone is safe being around me.

(He takes another card.)

(On reading it, a confused look comes across his face.)

Will you have sex with me?

(Beat, he looks incredibly confused.)

Oh yeah, that’s the one I slipped in…

(Beat.)

To make myself look cooler…

(Beat.)

Wow that’s pathetic…

(He laughs awkwardly.)

ANYways…

(He tosses the card aside, and picks up another.)

Why do you do so many cop-outs?

(Beat.)

It’s hard to think of something interesting to write every single day, so a lot of the time I can’t and am forced to just do a random bizarre, and yes, not particularly interesting scenes.

(Beat.)

And I’m lazy.

(He takes another card.)

What’s with all the typos?

(Beat.)

Get off my back.

(He takes another card.)

Will you have—

(He stops mid-sentence and tosses the card aside, and quickly picks up another one.)

Are you as screwed up as some of your scenes would suggest?

(Beat.)

Depends on what scene you’re talking about. For some no, for some yes.

(He picks up another card.)

Are you completely insane?

(Beat.)

There’s a distinct possibility.

(He takes another card.)

What lead you to think that it could possibly be a remotely good idea to do an FAQ?

(Beat.)

It seemed like an okay idea at the time…

(He takes another card.)

You suck.

(Beat.)

That’s not even a question.

(He takes another card.)

Are you aware that it’s painfully obvious that this isn’t an actual FAQ and is just you trying to be witty?

(Beat, he laughs nervously.)

It’s funny you should say that, because, umm….

(His eyes start darting back and forth, and he wrings his hands together.)

Because…

(Pause.)

And that ends the FAQ! I'm glad to have been able to answer some of those questions that might've been on your mind.

(Blackout.)