Play 151: Are you man enough?

A plain cheese pizza sits on a table.

V.O.
Are you tired of wimpy plain pizzas? Or the pathetic alternatives our competitors want you to think are the only other options?

A dozen or so pieces of pepperoni and sausage fall onto the pizza from above

V.O.
Or what they like to call meat pizzas?

A couple pieces of meatball and some other unidentifiable meat fall onto the pizza.

V.O.
Four meats?! What do they think you are, a pussy? No, you need a man’s pizza.

A gigantic stream of various types of meat pours down from above, covering the pizza in a foot high mound of meat.

V.O.
That’s right, our new Super Ultimate Man Meat Pizza has seventeen types of meat, so many kinds we don’t even know what some of them are, all piled on to fit more meat onto one pizza then you thought was physically possible. Be warned, this pizza is only for real men.

CUT TO:

A man in a sweater vest, khakis, and glasses, with a neat haircut. He is standing in a tidy kitchen in front of a table with a bowl of fruit, cereal, and milk on it.

MAN
(Looking sad and distraught.)
I saw the new commercial for the Super Ultimate Man Meat Pizza, and thought I was man enough for it….but then when I got it, I couldn’t handle it. I started eating it and went into a diabetic coma by the time I got through one quarter of it. While I was in the hospital, my wife left me! For the pizza!

CUT BACK TO:

The pizza covered in the mounds of meat

V.O.
That’s right, if you aren’t a true manly man, don’t even think of ordering this pizza or we’ll have a real man come to your house and kick. your. ass. But, if you’re a real man, there is nothing you will find as satisfying as a two cubic feet of meat precariously balanced on a thin disk of dough.

A man with giant bulging muscles dressed in a wrestling outfit rushes in, and with a roar, he picks the pizza up with both hands and buries his face into it, biting his teeth up and down and making growling noises. He lifts his head from out of the pizza.

MUSCLE MAN
(Screaming in a low booming voice.)
Yeah!

He buries his face back into the pizza and rushes off screen. Dozens of pieces of meat that fell of are scattered across the floor. Pause.

V.O.
The Super Ultimate Man Meat Pizza. Are you man enough?

FADE TO BLACK.