Play 148: The League of Randomness (of Justice)

CHARACTERS
HEAD SUPERHERO
SUPERHERO 1
SUPERHERO 2
SUPERHERO 3
SUPERHERO 4
SUPERHERO 5

(Various superheroes are seated around a gigantic round table in a massive room with a high dome shaped ceiling. The head superhero has a couple feet of space around him, everyone else has someone sitting directly next to them. Behind them is a large monitor, but it is currently not on.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Hello everyone, it has been a long time since last we met. First, we should go over what we have accomplished since the last meeting of the League of Justice. How about you first, Piss-Your-Pants Man?

(He gestures towards one of the superheroes.)

SUPERHERO 1
Well, yesterday I did help a citizen in grave danger.

HEAD SUPERHERO
Really? What did you do?

SUPERHERO 1
Well, I was walking back to the Lair of Self Moistening around midnight a few nights ago, when I heard cries of distress coming from a dark alleyway. I proceeded into this alleyway and found that a woman was being held at gun point by a masked man with a gun.

HEAD SUPERHERO
And what did you do?

SUPERHERO 1
Well, of course I could not just stand back and watch this unfold, so I did what any man in my situation would have done.

HEAD SUPERHERO
Which is?

SUPERHERO 1
I deftly let forth a devastating ray (beat.) of urine into my pants.

(The head superhero shakes his head.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Is that all?

(Superhero 1 laughs.)

SUPERHERO 1
Of course not.

HEAD SUPERHERO
So what did you do next?

SUPERHERO 1
I promptly started to unleash a formidable river of tears onto my waiting cheeks, and ran into the night.

HEAD SUPERHERO
(Coldly.)
So you’re telling me, you witnessed a robbery, and instead of trying to stop it, you wet your pants—

SUPERHERO 1
(Cutting him off.)
With justice.

(Beat.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
So you wet your pants (beat.) with justice (beat.) and then fled?

SUPERHERO 1
Yes, that is indeed how the events on that eve took place.

(Pause.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Did anyone actually do anything of considerable valor in the last month?

(Beat.)

(Superhero 2 raises his hand.)

(The head superhero looks at him, and a slightly irritated expression crosses his face.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Anyone besides OCD Man?

SUPERHERO 2
Hey! I have something good, I swear!

HEAD SUPERHERO
Were you in the middle of yet another bank robbery and told the robber to tap the counter four times and then proceeded to try to explain to him how dirty his gun probably was before he inevitably hit you in the head with it, knocking you unconscious and causing you to spend a night in the hospital for the third time this year?

(Superhero 2 looks down at the table, and remains silent.)

HEAD SUPERHERO
Anyone?

(Pause.)

(He shakes his head.)

(Suddenly Superhero 3 enters, clad in a cape and a shirt bearing the letters “R” “A” and “M”)

(He jumps onto the table.)

SUPERHERO 3
(Yelling.)
Monkey balls!

HEAD SUPERHERO
(Sarcastically, and filled with contempt.)
Random Awkward Man, I’m so glad you could make it.

SUPERHERO 3
I’m sorry I am late, I was busy at the office. You know, those goats don’t fuck themselves.

HEAD SUPERHERO
(Screaming.)
You’re all pathetic!

(Beat, everyone is silent.)

I’ve never seen a sorrier bunch of fuck-ups in my entire life! How do you even consider yourself superheroes?

(Silence.)

You know what? Fuck this! This place hasn’t been the same since Awesome Man quit five years ago.

(He shakes his head, and throwing back his chair, stands up and exits, slamming the door behind him.)

(Pause.)

SUPERHERO 4
Sheesh, I wonder why he’s so mad.

SUPERHERO 3
(Yelling.)
I am not wearing pants!

(Pause, silence.)

(Blackout.)